although I'm so tired

I am at a loss for words. Remember that ray of sunshine poking through the clouds? That nice little sunrise warming my cheeks? Well... a giant whirlwind came and knocked it back behind the gloomy billows of darkness! ... and here I am. No child. No adoption. No period. No nothing. What am I doing wrong????? Nothing is right.
Do you want to know what happened? Ah! Alas! Another door slammed shut in my face. Its hard to be poetic when your eyes are burning and you can't catch your breath after a good cry. I'm tired and my words aren't as structured as I normally like them to be. I shall relate to you the first story in a quiet, little nutshell.
That girl. That girl seemed so excited to tell me about her baby. We were getting to know each other. We were sharing life stories. We were sharing pictures and dreams. My hopes were rising! I was staring at her photographs wondering what kind of child she would have. We joked with each other via e-mails and Myspace messages...sometimes for an hour straight. This young girl was comfortable with me... I could sense it! She told me she felt good knowing her child would be with good people.
Then... as if time flip flopped into another space... the dream was over. Suddenly she stopped sending messages. I didn't want to press her so I let it go. The time frame dragged on without responses. Nothing. One evening I noticed she was logged onto her Myspace page and I sent a chat request. She finally responded and for a minute I was relieved. But... Something was wrong. Her sentences were short. "Please God, don't let her be changing her mind!!!!" I felt bold (desperate?) and asked her how her situation was with the baby. A minute passed. Then two. Then three. "Please God... don't do this to me!" Minute four: a response, "Oh. I lost the baby." Time stood still. I mean, it REALLY stood still. I stared at the computer screen. Thats all I could do. Then it happened - my heart literally crumbled. The pain was so intense. Along with the pain came the shame! The shame I had knowing that my tears were streaming for myself rather than for that girl or for the baby put me in a surreal state of mind. I seriously can't describe this heart ache. "pain" "heartbreak" "shame" "hurt" ... these words are so trivial. Part of me wondered if she was lying because she couldn't bare to tell me she changed her mind. She was so nonchalant about it.. as if she were talking about losing her favorite book or a hair barette. Part of me wondered if she was making it all up from the start for a good laugh. I will never know because a month later she deleted me from her 'friend' list and so all contact is over with now.

I'm so tired.
I haven't slept a wink.
I'm so tired.
My mind is on the blink.
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink.
No No No
I'm so tired.
I don't know what to do.
Although I'm so tired,
my mind is set on you...

5th grade timewarp

Are you there God? It's me, Sadie.

Remember that book? Judy Blume fans certainly know what I'm referring to. I think I'm going to read that book all over again. I need to go back in time to a place where I'm just a child with childlike thoughts and concerns. Enough of this adult shit.

I remember reading "Are you there God, its me Margaret" in 5th grade just as the class was divided by the sexes for that special movie in health class. Awkward boys in one room; giggly girls in the other. My health teacher back then was the school nurse, Mrs. Z. This woman was very tall and lanky... and very old. Her gray hair was styled in a fashion that made her look like an ancient version of Tennile from "Captain & Tennile". She wore polyester pleated pants and plain blouses that had huge bows in the front. She was the one who taught us about periods. To this day, every single time I get my period, Mrs. Z. comes to mind and her voice rings out in the words she once told us when describing them, "Oh, and you'll know when you get it... because its verrry wet!!!" Gross. The monthly cycle thing didn't sound fun at all. In fact, it sounded scary to me. Bleeding, cramps, crankyness... pads!

In the book, Margaret gets her period for the first time and has to learn about wearing a sanitary napkin pad. The description of a sanitary pad in that book, for the longest time, confused and scared the hell out of me! I was totally engrossed with finding out how they worked... why the hell did you need a belt??!?!?!??? A belt????? For what??? I was totally embarrassed to ask anyone about it! This period business sounded more and more like a pain in the ass and I had decided that I didn't want any part of it! I made the decision that I wasn't going to get it ever! ... as if I had a say in the matter.

Then, one day in the girl's bathroom, it appeared... that little spot of blood on my flowered underwear. "Great! Just great!", my 5th grade voice echoed in the sea foam green bathroom stall.

Did I tell anyone??? NO FREAKIN WAY!!! Nobody was gonna know about this! It was soo embarrassing! I didn't want to have to get "pads" because I didn't know how to use the belts!!! My period got heavier and I got more sneaky in hiding it. I waded up toilet paper bundles and put them in my underwear. Who needs pads and belts??!! I figured this period stuff out myself! ... but then by the 3rd day the flow was too much for a mere wad of Charmin! I soiled my panties a lot and stashed the evidence wayyyyyy in the back of my underwear drawer. Soon I ran out of my own panties and resorted to stealing pairs from my mom's drawers! HA! I had outsmarted mother nature! Me, Sadie... all by myself! Ha!

But... the next month it came back. Supplies for hiding this annoying monthly occurance dwindled. My mother's underwear drawer thinned out quickly. One day when I came home from school I went to my bedroom and to my absolute HORROR there was a GIANT box of Maxi pads on my dresser and all my previously dirty underwear in a nice, neat pile next to it. Oh my God did I think I was going to die! I was sooo embarrassed and ashamed! I didn't want any part of this!!! I turned around and my mom was standing in my doorway. I didn't say a word. "I was wondering where all my underwear was disappearing to and I found them in your drawer!" I thought I was going to get a lecture on how bad the situation was but instead I got a huge bear hug and a speech on how happy she was that I was a woman now, or something. Ugggg!!!! I didn't want the hug, I didn't want the giant box of pads, I didn't want to be a woman. I just wanted to be plain old Sadie in 5th grade again. When she finally left me alone to sulk in my gloom I looked at the pictures on the outside of the giant box towering on my dresser. Finally, I would find out about the belts! ... but the picture didn't show them. "They must be inside", I thought so I opened it. There weren't any belts whatsoever! What??? The scariest part of being a new woman wasn't real at all. It was the 80's and Maxi pads didn't have belts anymore! I was so relieved.

I'm waiting for my period again to start the fertility stuff that was put on the back burner. I'm taking Medroxyprogesterone to make me start bleeding again after 6 months of no period. Starting to get crampy and I have a feeling that my lining is going to be rather thick when it debutes. If only my womanly problems were as simple as they were in the 80's. I want to be plain old Sadie from 5th grade again.

Hi Ho! Kermit the Frrrog here reporting to you from Sadie's world!

Ok... well... its been awhile since I've been on this blog in a sane and sober frame of mind! Not that I drink all the time... its just that my real sad feelings seep out after a night of Jack 'n Cokes (Alcohol IS a depressant afterall!) and my need to express them to someone other than the drunk at the end of the bar sends me to my blog.

A little insight as to what those last two entries were about: I had mentioned to my friend Mike that Ethan and I were going through fertility problems and that we started the journey of figuring that out. It was towards the end of the night when everyone started getting sleepy and started crashing on various couches. So during our conversation Mike kept saying how we would be wonderful parents, we deserved a kid, why are there shitty parents out there when awesome ones were childless...blah blah blah. Those statements annoy me sober and bring out my grumpy feelings... I'm sure you can imagine them magnified by the booze! Well, my happy drunk self quickly turned to the depressed one. I excused myself abrubtly and staggered into the computer room to write. ... My words couldn't come out clearly so I just typed a response to all his obvious statements! Then, of course, I balled my eyes out before going to bed. Hey, at least I wasn't drunk dialing an ex boyfriend!!! Haha!!

Well, a little update... I feel like Kermit the Frog reporting the news. "HI HO!"

Well, ok, it will have to be a big update since I haven't been on here in so long! Ummmm where to start???

No kid. Sorry to disappoint you. BUT this just in... a little lead in the adoption story.

I had made a Myspace page a few years ago and in my profile, I stated that we were a native american couple seeking to adopt a native child. I put all our interests and background info on there (omitting our names of course). I kind of forgot about it because I didn't get any friend requests in 3 years! A couple months ago I decided to check it out on a whim and found that this young girl requested to be-friend me. I was VERY intrigued.

A few generic messages were sent back and forth and then I finally had to ask her why she wanted to be-friend me. Apparently, this girl is native, pregnant, and can't take care of her child. She can't find anyone to take the baby but her friend happened to see my page! I admit, even though my senses were telling me to remain calm and in my seat, I really wanted to do Balki's 'Dance of Joy' from the TV show Perfect Strangers!!!

We chatted back and forth through Myspace messages. Let's call her Bree. I found out Bree was 16 and had big plans for her future. She said if she had a baby now she wouldn't be able pursue her dreams. She loved poetry, singing in her band, and reading. I showed my husband her pictures and we both agreed that she was an exceptionally beautiful girl. I mean, beautiful black eyes, lovely smile and pretty long hair. I looked at her hands and wondered if her child would have the same delicate fingers.
I let myself take a glimpse into the (possible) future and wondered what her baby would look like grown up. I pictured myself going to ceremonies and finally being one of the mothers bouncing and hushing a child gently while all the little girls surrounded him/her for a peek. I pictured him/her 5 years from now learning how to dance.

Then, without letting myself get too carried away, my mind shoved me back into the present and told me to be realistic! Who knows WHAT will happen!?! This girl could be joking for all we know! It could be some twisted attention seeking behavior. I decided to just take the time to get to know one another. No harm in doing that, right? She proved to be a rather intellegent girl with realistic goals for her future.

More pictures were sent, dreams were shared, family stories were relayed. She said her family liked my profile and that she thought we seemed very nice. She really liked the information I sent her about what kind of family we would be. I told her about my family and Ethan's. She liked the fact that we had big birthday parties every time someone's came up. Would we add a new birthday party to the list? Finally, a glimpse of sunrise! ...just a glimpse, but I'll take it.

So... that is the latest scoop.

nobody gives a fuck about this blog but me.

nobody gives a fuck about this blog but me.

On what he said:
Fuck... you don't hafta tell me that. I already know.




.... where is the Creator????

p.s. I'm drunk.

regarding 3/26/08 and the notion of being betrayed

I keep going back to 3/26/08 (You'll have to read that blog before you read this). I still feel betrayed and then I put it in the Creator's hands and then I feel betrayed again and then I put it in the Creator's hands... and then I feel betrayed. I can never tell when the Creator wants me to act on things and when to let him take care of things. I suppose there really isn't much for me to do in this case. I still don't know if Becca meant to move ahead with her adoption situation behind my back or not.

The whole situation has been resurfacing in the back of my head since it happened. Recently I needed someone else's take on the story so I mentioned it to my co-workers (they know Becca and the baby's family).

I told them the story... how we had been wanting to adopt, how Becca had been working with us, how she said she wouldn't mind adopting some day, how she said she'd prefer any child that came along to go to a couple, how suddenly she wasn't returning my phone calls, how suddenly she wasn't returning my e-mails, how I happened to find out about a baby girl who needed a family, how my biological mother was taking care of her at first and suddenly someone else had her, how that someone else happened to be Becca, how suddenly Becca was going ahead with adopting her.

Did I say too much??? Everyone's business on the Rez spreads like wildfire! My co-workers told me something that made me steam even more! According to Indian Child Welfare laws any child put up for adoption should go to family members FIRST. Becca told me she was related to the baby.... but my co-workers told me that she really isn't due to that someone in her family being adopted! That means that she's only related to the child by adoption... and I'm more closely related to the baby! They also said that if the family of the baby knew about us they would probably want us to take the baby. .... sigh...

Before I get too fired up... I have to step back and put it in the hands of the Creator. Maybe my putting a bug in someone else's ear wasn't a good idea... but I needed more takes on the story. They both agreed that it all sounded fishy.

I keep thinking about that baby girl...

...but I will continue to keep the faith

and know that

whatever that is meant to be

will be.

i'm not living in the real world, i'm not living in the real world, i'm not living in the real world... no more no more...

Ok... well my last blog was rather blue. I get that way sometimes. Is it PMS? Who knows.... Again, I wouldn't be able to say if it was or not what with my periods being so wacky.


I realized since my last blog that I really wasn't living life. I didn't have a job so all I did was sit around on the computer all day. I surfed the web and checked my e-mails a few times a day to see if there were any new messages from Storkland. I was living a virtual life.

There is a song by Blondie called, "Living in the Real World." That was my theme song because the lyrics go, "I'm not living in the real world, I'm not living in the real world, I'm not living in the real world.. no more, no more... "

Debbie Harry represents everything I always wanted to be. I love her style and I love the fact that she didn't give a fuck about what everyone thought about her. She did her own thing.

So last month I had my 33rd birthday and I began to evaluate my life so far. Besides the obvious void, there was something else missing. I needed to get out in the world and live!!!!! I was living in computer land and sometimes I wouldn't go outdoors all frickin' day!! I just had to do something about that!

So what did I do? Something crazy and totally not me at all.... well, maybe it IS me and I just needed to get the crazy side of me out in the open!

I decided to join a roller derby team! How fuckin' crazy is that!?!? When I told my family the decision, they couldn't believe it. I was always the quiet, nice, mellow girl in the family. I still am... I just kick ass now!

I'm getting excersize, I'm meeting new people, I'm building myself into something stronger, I'm building my self-esteem, I'm building my leg/ass muscles, I'm having loads of fun, and I'm getting out of the house for once! Roller derby is so much fun!!!!

I also got a job at a school working with kids from K-8. $10.00/hour, 40 hours a week. I guess you could say I'm a positive peer... theres no official title for the work I do. Basically, I visit each class once a week and talk about making good decisions, drugs and alcohol, self-esteem, bullying, etc. I enjoy making differences in peoples' lives and I feel really good about this job. The kids are awesome! I'm making tons of friends at the school too.

Things are on the up swing. I'm still pursing the baby thing... but at least I quit putting my life on hold waiting... and waiting... and waiting... and going crazy... and waiting... etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.