So...FINALLY, after months and months of waiting, my appointment to get the hysterosalpingogram has come. I'm finally on the road to seeing what the hell is wrong with my baby making goods, right?
Yeah, there was a little cramping but nothing too serious. And guess what!! Instead of ONE proceedure, I was (insert sarchasm here) lucky enough to get THREE done. Yes, you got it... THREE. Ahem, yes, in the same day. (Is that a record?)
I get to the room to find no comfy, cushioned stirrup table waiting for me. Instead, there was just a long, cold metal table. I didn't even get a strip of that crinkly tissue paper to sit on! The doctor was running late so I sat there, feet dangling 2 feet above the floor, wondering what all the gadgets were on the table next to me. "Ooooo! Are we gonna carve a pumpkin!"
The doctor comes in and apologizes for being late and for the lack of stirrups. "This isn't my usual spot to do these things. I hope you don't mind." Hey, I didn't care... as long as it wasn't in a dark alley somewhere, I was fine. I wasn't even nervous. In fact, I was kind of excited to be able to see some of my insides on the screen above my head. (My insides intrigue me. When I had my gall bladder out, I asked if I could keep the stones that were giving me so much grief. Did you know that gall stones can get to be the size of peanut M&M's?!??!! Mine were anyway. I mailed the gall stones, which were in a nice travel size vial, to my friend in Florida. He, in turn, sent them to a friend in New Orleans. Its been a joke among my friends and I as to "who has the stones now?" ...and yes, I'm THAT odd...bite me!) Anyhoo.....
So I'm lying there and I'm desperately trying to keep my legs in position... I didn't think those stirrup thingies really did much but I sure missed them! I felt the cramping... but it wasn't anything I didn't feel before during my normal cycle. In fact I thought, "THATS the cramping?? Thats it??" So my gyno inserts the catheter thingie and tells me to scoot up the table and lye under this looming machine. No problem. Just as he's about to push the dye through... out pops everything. Ok, whatever... he's gotta do it again. So I scoot down at the edge of the table again; holding onto my knees to keep them in place. Catheter in, some more cramping, another scoot up under the looming machine ... and POP! Out it comes again. The doctor apologized again, "Ok, one more time." So... we go through the hysterosalpingogram dance again... and again...POP!
"Jesus Christ! *Sigh*" Ok, here we go again. Um... but no. The doctor said, "Ok, well I don't want to do this again. I don't want to risk anything so I'm going to have to re-schedule (RE-SCHEDULE!!???!???) this for another time. I won't do any more than three tries." He told me that, unfortunately, the catheters he was using don't come in a One-Size-Fits-All size and that he'd have to use something else. ("Like WHAT?!?!? I pictured some out of date coat hanger device or something). He said he'd write me a perscription for anti-biotics and apologized. I wanted to tell him, "Oh .. hey, wait! ... I've just been waiting sooo long to get this done... do it one more time! I'm sure it'll work"
So I got dressed and the nurse shows me to the bathroom where a tiny panty liner sits on a paper towel. Even though there was no pain, there was quite a bit of blood and no mere panty liner would do! Luckily I brought my own pad. I was very disappointed.
My mom was in the waiting room, "Hey! How did it go??!" "It didn't" "What???"Yeah, thats what I say, "What???"
MY LIFE IS ONE GIANT TRAFFIC JAM!