i'm not living in the real world, i'm not living in the real world, i'm not living in the real world... no more no more...
I realized since my last blog that I really wasn't living life. I didn't have a job so all I did was sit around on the computer all day. I surfed the web and checked my e-mails a few times a day to see if there were any new messages from Storkland. I was living a virtual life.
So last month I had my 33rd birthday and I began to evaluate my life so far. Besides the obvious void, there was something else missing. I needed to get out in the world and live!!!!! I was living in computer land and sometimes I wouldn't go outdoors all frickin' day!! I just had to do something about that!
So what did I do? Something crazy and totally not me at all.... well, maybe it IS me and I just needed to get the crazy side of me out in the open!
I decided to join a roller derby team! How fuckin' crazy is that!?!? When I told my family the decision, they couldn't believe it. I was always the quiet, nice, mellow girl in the family. I still am... I just kick ass now!
I'm getting excersize, I'm meeting new people, I'm building myself into something stronger, I'm building my self-esteem, I'm building my leg/ass muscles, I'm having loads of fun, and I'm getting out of the house for once! Roller derby is so much fun!!!!
I also got a job at a school working with kids from K-8. $10.00/hour, 40 hours a week. I guess you could say I'm a positive peer... theres no official title for the work I do. Basically, I visit each class once a week and talk about making good decisions, drugs and alcohol, self-esteem, bullying, etc. I enjoy making differences in peoples' lives and I feel really good about this job. The kids are awesome! I'm making tons of friends at the school too.
Things are on the up swing. I'm still pursing the baby thing... but at least I quit putting my life on hold waiting... and waiting... and waiting... and going crazy... and waiting... etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.
The clinic sent me a packet, along with a DVD, explaining the different treatments they offer, the percentages of success rates, infirtility factors, payment options, etc. etc. All of the information was overwhelming and I feel as though I'm spinning out of control with all these terms and proceedure names that I know nothing about!
As I flipped through the folder in a daze I suddenly burst into tears as I read the definition of infertility: The inability to conceive after one year of regular unprotected intercourse. (Its been over 6 years for us) It was official... I'm Infertile. I cried as I thought about everyone I know who has had children without even thinking about it. I never felt so inferior. I got angry at Becca all over again as I thought about her holding that little girl at the fair....and here I am getting poked and prodded and jabbed and medicated and injected and x-rayed and peered into and put under and punctured and cut up and sewn up and shuffled along to the next doctor to do more of the same. I got even angrier when I thought of how she could have her own biological children if she wanted to... and here she is trying to adopt this little girl for her own instead of trying to help me like the original plan. It fuckin' sucks!!!!!!!!!! Damn it, I'm STILL angry about it!!!! (but I will continue to keep my cool....even though I wanna scratch her eyes out. She is still trying to help us with adoption... I hope.) Her words still ring in my ears, "I think I would like to adopt some day... but if something comes up, I'd definitely want any child to go to a couple first." FUCK!
Sometimes I just wanna have a good cry. Sometimes that cry comes at odd times... like after sex. Luckily Ethan didn't see the tears coming down my cheeks after we did it the day I opened the packet. Yes, the sex was good... but I'm damaged goods. I really felt it then.
I don't wanna have to wait until November to see what the next step is. I don't wanna have to go to this clinic. I don't wanna learn about their treatment options. I don't wanna worry about whether or not my insurance will cover this place. I don't wanna give my arm up for more bloodwork. I don't wanna have my abdomen pressed by cold hands again. I don't wanna wear a backless hospital gown and sit on a waiting table again. I don't wanna fill out more forms. I don't wanna call my health insurance company again. I don't wanna get more bills in the mail.
I just want to have a baby like a normal person would GOD DAMN IT!
Fuck you God.
Her comment actually snapped me back into the real world. It was interesting. Inside, I was jumping up and down as if it were Christmas morning and I was standing at a massive pile of gifts under the tree waiting for the green light to start tearing paper to shreds. On the outside, I calmly said, "Oh really? Ok." and "Oh, thats no problem, I understand we're all busy these days." and "Ok, yeah.. keep me posted. I'll see ya later." (AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...) "OK thanks. Talk to you later."
Immedietly I went into psycho mode. "Working on something"... "working on something"... those words kept repeating in my mind. What the heck was she working on?!? Couldn't she give me any more information?!? In my attempt to remain cool I think I forgot to ask for details. DOH! What was I thinking??!! Uggg...
(...*ENVELOPE RIPPING* ...SADIE MARIE! FOR HER ROLE IN 'SHADY SITUATIONS' - APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE)
My button is nothing spectacular... just your typical, everyday "innie". Hmmm, I guess its not a button at all... but a hole. A mysterious hole. A hole that goes... nowhere!
I'd rather have an innie I think. I'm not a fan of the "outtie" (no offense to anyone who has an outtie). I don't know why. Perhaps partly because its so exposed to the elements. Things should be kept on the inside of the body as much as possible. You know, for maximum protection.
I don't let anyone near my belly button. My husband knows this and thinks its funny to poke his finger in there sometimes at night before we fall asleep. I totally freak out! I don't know what it is. Maybe its a fear that he'll break through or... I don't know, that my button will engulf his finger. I can't explain it. My husband is banned from going near my belly button.
I finally took the band-aid off after my laproscopy and my poor belly button looks like it was mangled in a freak accident. There are scabby things and odd puckers and stitches and protruding threads.
I just gotta say...
ITS TOTALLY FREAKING ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!
One particular day, Mr. Wackjob came into class and quietly put a carpet down onto the floor. Everyone quieted down to see what strange ritual he seemed to be setting up for. He acted in a very somber way and all of us kids looked at each other wondering what was going on. He knelt down on the carpet and closed his eyes in silence for what seemed to be more than 5 minutes. Giggling from the back of the room started. Suddenly, Mr. Wackjob took out a knife from its hidden sheath under his shirt and proceeded to cut into his lower abdomen with a loud, drawn out moan. The giggling stopped. Everyone froze. He collapsed in a heap.
Seppuku (切腹, Seppuku? "stomach-cutting") is a form of Japanese ritual suicide by disembowelment. Seppuku was originally reserved only for samurai. Part of the samurai honor code, seppuku has been used voluntarily by samurai to die with honor rather than fall into the hands of their enemies, as a form of capital punishment for samurai who have committed serious offenses, and for reasons that shamed them. Seppuku is performed by plunging a sword into the abdomen and moving the sword left to right in a slicing motion.
Whatever happens will be the work of the Creator... I'm done working hard to get started. I'm done working hard to get nowhere.
So...FINALLY, after months and months of waiting, my appointment to get the hysterosalpingogram has come. I'm finally on the road to seeing what the hell is wrong with my baby making goods, right?
So I got to wondering if I experienced a little bit of the biological clock psychotic woman syndrome that seems to be present in my brain.
Am I also fueling the fire, so to speak, by drowning my sorrows on this blog?
Am I becoming too consumed by this?
Do I need to come back down to earth?
After my last post, I was beginning to think that maybe I shouldn't have felt immediately betrayed upon the news that Becca was on the path of adopting a baby herself without telling me. No e-mails, no calls, no nothing and the seemingly avoidance on her part told me she was automatically GUILTY! But... upon thinking about it I got my senses together and thought about Ethan's voice of reason.
Thought 1: "Ok, what if Becca was really holding the baby for a bit until it is legally free for adoption. Maybe she WAS going to eventually tell us about it."
OH MY GOD!!!! I can't believe this is happening to me! I'm sooo angry. I'm completely shocked. Just shocked. "WHAT?!?!??!" you say? Ohhhh.... I'm so confused. Where do I start???
So we've been pursuing adoption on top of getting fertility tests done. I've been working with that woman from the rez named Becca on the adoption thing. She had been a good contact since nobody else knew where to go about adopting native children. We were on her list of good canidates for any children needing homes. I Haden't heard from her for a while but I saw her a couple months ago at a ceremony. I only had time to asked her to e-mail me. She tells me she will ... but no response. Then I send Becca an e-mail last February asking for her phone number. No response. Hmmm... that's odd.
Meanwhile, I see my 6th grade neice at school a couple weeks ago. I ask her how the family is and she said, "Oh! My grandma (my biological mom) is sad." "Why?" "Well, she had a baby but then she lost it." Confused, I said, "WHAT??!!" My neice continues, "Yeah, I mean... a cousin had a baby but she couldn't take care of it so she gave it to my grandma. It was 2 months old. But they came and took it away from her so now she's sad. Oh... gotta go! Bye Auntie!" So this poor baby in the family has been on my mind lately. Who is it? Where did it come from? Where did it go? Boy or girl? Can we take it in???
So my (biological) sister calls me last night to chat about something and I brought up what my neice told me. "Ohhh yea... Yeah, a cousin of ours had a baby but couldn't take care of her. This cousin keeps popping them out even though she really shouldn't be a mom. She's on drugs and all... so anyway, she gave the baby to our mom. Someone in the baby's family didn't like the idea of our mom having her so it was taken away. We don't like the woman who has the baby now... she doesn't even know how to take care of babies. I heard she was even asking someone how to change a diaper! She doesn't even have a husband or a boyfriend."
And then she told me the name of the woman who has the baby now.... it was Becca!!! I was shocked! I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks! I told my sister that I had been working with Becca (maybe I said too much) with adoption and that for some reason she wasn't calling or e-mailing me back. "She's probably feeling guilty." Oh my god! What is going on here!!!
In a previous e-mail, Becca did say that she wanted to be a foster mom and would pursue adoption some day, "But I believe a baby should be placed with a couple first."
So after I got off the phone I just wanted to run and cry my eyes out. I felt completely betrayed and dazed! I've been checking my e-mail EVERY day for a response from her for a month! Could she be avoiding me?!?!! The possiblity of it all was overwhelming!
I hid my quivering voice as I told Ethan. Of course, he had to be the voice of reason.... which is really what I didn't want to hear at first!! I wanted him to react and say, "What!!?? That's bullshit!" or SOMETHING! I don't know.... light some torches, gather a pitchforked angry mob together and go marching down to her house! SOMETHING! All I got was a voice of reason, "Well... you don't know the whole story. If she does her job well, she'll know the best people to place the child with. Maybe she feels she is the best person for the child at this point." I wanted to fall into a heap and cry and cry and cry. I went for a drive and did just that. I drove up to an unfinished housing development on a hill, shut off the lights, and cried in the dark. The wind was so fierce that my car shook. I can't remember the last time I prayed so hard! The wind gave me comfort -I wasn't alone... at least there was SOMETHING sharing my fierce anger. There was, and still is, a knot in my stomach.
I don't know what to do.
I feel so .... betrayed.
you are invited to Sadie's Pity Party! Time: whenever. Date: right now. RSVP by commenting this blog.
So things seem to be at a standstill. Miss Bird Brain couldn't make an appointment for 'one of those things' so I have to wait ... and wait... and wait for my next menstral cycle. My life is on hold waiting for my "cycle" to get its act together. I feel like the world revolves around the shedding of my uterus - as if it had the power to stop time and, for some reason, it takes pleasure in teasing me! "Ha ha! You can't make me! Nya nya nya nya nya!!!"
I said this before, but... A popular belief among people of my tribe is that a baby picks its parents before they are even born. Some women swear that they dream about their children just before they find out they're pregnant. I don't know what to think about when I hear these things... but it gives me some comfort.
Another dream last night:
In my dream someone told me that there was this baby in the other room. I went to see it and it was sleeping. As I looked down at it (don't know if it was a he or a she) its eyes opened. It looked at me... and then gave me the biggest smile. For some reason, I had a feeling that it was choosing me to be its mom. I knew it was mine.
This was a very short dream.
November 13, 2008
I had so many questions to ask Becca, but I held back. I didn't want her to think I was all psycho... although, when your biological clock is ticking, doesn't it make one just a little bit psycho??? Holy shit! I wanted to run around and shout to the world, "There might be a baby for us out there!!!!!"
I eventually told Ethan and, in typical Ethan (guy?) fashion, he was practical and un-emotional. I don't know if his reaction brought me down to earth or what... but it definitely supressed a gigantic urge to jump up & down while freakishly waving my hands in the air as if my hair was on fire! "Don't get your hopes up" HA!
His reaction was expected however. I didn't exactly expect him to grab my hands and jump up and down with me while letting out a high pitched screech. We've talked about adoption before... and he knew I was in the process of looking into it.
His reaction was, "Well, what about what we've been doing with the tests and your doctor?" and "You know, that would be opening up a door for some hard times possibly." and "I think we should just stick to what we've been trying to do with the doctors... I don't know about this." I stood there... hair on fire extinguished and smoldering. AND THEN he said something that crushed my heart, "I think we should only adopt if there is an absolute need. I say if there are OTHER good families out there waiting for a kid, let them do it... I don't know."
Ok wait a minute.... first he wanted me, a psychotic girl about to explode if she doesn't have a child soon, to look into adoption... now he's telling me to wait. You don't do that! Am I right??????
I know, I know... he's just being practical and he doesn't want me to get hurt if things go wrong, ie. the mother decides to keep the child, or wants it back (Indian Child Welfare laws dictate different rules in our case). I didn't know how to react to his reactions. Its as though you are a kid waking up Christmas morning to find out Santa forgot your house. I wanted to cry.
So I told my mom about Becca's news and I finally got a reaction similar to mine. Phew! I wasn't crazy afterall. In fact, I think she wanted to cry. I told her Ethan's reaction and she was on the same page as myself, "Well, I think you should keep ALL your options open!" I said, "Well, what if we actually adopt this child and I get pregnant at the same time!" Her answer was obvious," Well.. then you have two!" EXACTLY!
I'll take whatever the Creator gives me! I couldn't say no if she came back and said there is a definite need for a family for this child. How could Ethan THINK to say no??? I can't imagine where I'd be today if my own parents said no when the department of social services told them there was a baby girl available. One word: Unthinkable! Waiting for over 3 years for SOMETHING to happen and even the notion of turning something away... unthinkable!
But... don't get my hopes up.
Ok- there is no period yet... but there IS news. Very interesting news I must say! I go to traditional ceremonies on the "Rez" and last Thursday was the one where children are honored. During this ceremony childrean get their Indian names and everyone dances. During one of the dances I said a little prayer...or maybe it was just thoughts in general towards the Creator. In my thoughts, as I watched mothers dancing with their children, I expressed a need for my own child. I danced and wondered when I'd get the chance to bring a baby to get her/his name. Someone once told me that even before children are born they pick who they want their parents to be. I wondered why we hadn't been chosen yet. "We'd make awesome parents, why haven't we been picked yet???"
I noticed my very young (biological) cousin with her baby girl. My uncle had been holding her while he danced. I have to admit, I was VERY jealous! Here was a teenage girl with a baby of her own -how could she possibly take care of it! She's still in high school! I wanted to say, "I'm family... give her to me!!!" I wasn't happy for her out of my own jealousy and I felt bad for feeling that way. Complete judgment swept through me. Once, I saw her at a family funtion. She was almost standing right in front of me, holding her baby... almost as if she were dying for me to jump up and say, "OH My God!!! Let me see her!!!!" ... But I didn't. I ignored her because I was too tired of pretending to be happy for, yet another, new mom.
I felt bad for doing that - I couldn't help it though.
... On with the news:
So, during the ceremony I was thinking of my jealousy and I made it disappear. I pushed it away and waved at my cousin when she was holding her baby. I gave her a smile and commented on how she was cute. I felt better... but MY arms were still empty. I said another prayer. As I was sitting there Becca, the woman from my nation whom I had been talking to about adoption, came up to me. She wondered if we ever got a home study done, which we haven't. "Well", she said, "Don't get your hopes up just yet, but..." Immedietly my brain screamed out "OH MY GOD!!!!!" "...there might be a baby for you guys. Not from this nation, but from another..." I was totally freaking out on the inside: "Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit". On the outside: "Oh. Really?" Becca continued, "But again, don't get your hopes up yet. Its just a possiblity." On the inside: "Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit" On the Outside: "Oh, Ok. Sounds interesting. Keep me posted. How old would this baby be?" "It would be a newborn because it hasn't been born yet." I had a ZILLION questions but I held back.
So I called the doctor for my test results. Everything is fine. The bloodwork showed that my testosterone levels are slightly elevated but the doctor didn't think it was anything to worry about. My thyroid levels were a little high too.
Now, I have to wait for my next period so I can schedule the next lovely test: The Hysterosalpingogram. They have to make sure I'm not pregnant before that test so they do it after my cycle. HA! Waiting for my cycle is like waiting for a bus that never comes! It could be 4-6 months from now! That's pretty long for someone anxious to start the baby-making process... *sigh*. I seriously don't think I'm ovulating - but hey, I'm not the doctor.
I made an appointment for Ethan, per St. Nick the OBGYN, to have a seminalysis done this Friday morning at 9:15. They said he could either do it here, at home, or in the office. I think, to him, its one of those, "well... gotta do what ya gotta do" -type of things.
When it comes to medical things he is pretty much in the dark. He gets a cold and he's asking me to write his eulogy! He gets very concerned over little things - like, when I was taking my basal temp in the morning he was all concerned, "What's wrong??" He's sweet. I can't imagine what he'd be like if I actually DO get pregnant and the times comes to deliver! Would he freak out?!? Would he be able to handle it?!??
I was watching the show "Birth Day" on the Discovery Health channel where it showed a live birth. Ethan walked into the room just as the baby splat out - all bloody, etc. I laughed when he said, "Uggggg!!!! I didn't know they came out all bloody! That's gross!" He promptly left the room. Wait a minute! Was he one of those kids in health class who had to leave the room during the birthing videos????? What am I in for?
I'm wondering if he wants to be minimally involved. I mean, he'd do anything for me when it comes down to it... but I wonder if deep inside he's thinking, "Ok, well this is a woman thing. Go to it sport! Do what you gotta do! I'm there for ya honey! Ummm ... I'll be over here." I wish all I had to do was jerk off into a cup! How easy would that be?!?!???
This is a shot in the dark for me. I have no idea what I'm getting into! What the hell have I started?!?! Don't get me wrong, I really want kids... definitely!!! Its just pretty scary to think about... and I think he's more scared than he lets on.
It would be cool to give birth in the same area my ancestors gave birth. This whole city used to belong to us back in the day. I didn't grow up on a reservation. I was adopted and grew up in the suburbs. A street over from the one I grew up on is built over a very old Indian Village site. I love walking on that street because I feel a closeness to the people that onced existed there... my relations. I wonder how many births took place in that village. As the snow melts during springtime I take strolls over to the site and wonder if those ancient souls are watching me. It would be great to take a stroller some day with my own child... and be able to tell her/him whats under the ugly cookie cutter housing development.
At any rate, I'd say I'm optimistic.
Another new development: I finally went to a gynacologist for one of those fun check ups. Why the hell am I not pregnant after 4 years??! Why the hell didn't I go earlier?? I'm not afraid of going... I think I was just afraid of what the doctor might find. *Thats good Sadie, put your head in the sand why don't you!*
Dr. B is really nice. He made me feel comfortable. Picture a big ... uh... picture a big, jolly Santa Clause minus the red suit! Ok, thats a little scary to picture... but that is what comes to mind when trying to describe Dr. B. He jokes around and makes me laugh. He said my uterus felt a little enlarged but he couldn't quite tell for sure cuz I was extremely ticklish when he pressed on my lower abdomen. (Oh my god I HATE being touched down there! I'm not uncomfortable... just wicked ticklish!!! I don't even let my husband touch me there without screaming and trying to wiggle away!) He sent me to a radiologist to have a sonogram done. That was odd. It was a "vaginal" sonogram. Some girl had to basically shove a dildo-shaped device covered with a latex glove "up there" and move it around. I was more embarrassed for her sake! What a job to have! Hey, if it pays...
ANYWAY... I also have to take my temperatures every morning with a Basal Thermometer. I gotta start doing that after I get my next period ...who knows when that will be... could be 1 month, 4 or 7 months from now! (yes, I've gone 7 months without seeing a trace of a period). This baby making process is DAMN SLOW!
I left Dr. B's office feeling relieved and good with the new journey I've started. Will I get pregnant? Will there be a baby in 2008?? How odd to think about. I left with the feeling of someone being on my side. He left me with these words, "Well, we'll do some blood work on you and do some tests...and we'll see if we can get ya a little bambino!"
Well, its been a while since I've written last. As far as the application I spoke about...
Basically, they don't get many native american children anymore (most native families keep the babies) and they told me to contact the Indian Nation representatives. I feel like a ping pong ball being paddled back and forth from one person to the next. When a curtain opens to reveal a light, another closes and I'm in the darkness again.
I did talk to someone from Ethan's nation... the woman I mentioned before. I went to a graduation party and Lisa was there. She was talking about all the foster kids she's had over the years, etc. The request (quest) to adopt / have kids came up. I told her we'd be very interested in adopting and she said she'd be glad to help us! She mentioned getting notices now and then of native children in need. She'd give us a call when she gets one. She'd look into it. I was so glad to finally talk to her! She seemed like the "right" person to talk to. We had initially talked to some other woman a while ago about adoption. She was a dud (nortorious for not going through with promises or doing her job). About "the dud" I'd hear, "Oh, you're not gonna get anywhere with her!" or "She'll do something when she feels like it - but I wouldn't rely on her." Turns out "the dud" retired without ever calling us since we last talked about 2 years ago! That was the first door shut in our faces. Lisa was definitely different.
Unfortunately, very recently, Lisa had a bad brain annurism which put her into a coma for a very long time. She's such a nice woman along with her husband. They're one of those couples you admire because they just look good together. Well, Lisa had a slim chance of making it. In fact, the doctors are amazed she got this far - she's going to need extensive therapy. She can barely talk or do anything for that matter. I feel guilty for thinking, "No!!!!! She was looking into adoption for us! Now we're back to square one!!!" Another door shut. I have a one way ticket to hell for thinking such greedy thoughts, I'm sure!
Soon after that, another door opened up. I was referred to the sister of an old aquaintence, Becca. Apparently she works in some sort of social services program for my Nation. I called her up and she said she'd look into it there.... though, she didn't have a clue as to how to do it! "I'm kind of new here and still figuring things out." Something tells me working with Becca will be frustrating. Natives tend to work at a slow pace...especially the ones from where I'm from! We'll see.
So I just sent out an "Application to Adopt" to the Dept. of Social Services. In it, we expressed an interest in having a home study done by a social worker from either one of our Indian Nations. Lisa, from his nation, has done home studies before. I put down her name on the application - I'm hoping they call Lisa soon! We mailed it sometime last week. I'm sick of not knowing what to do or who to contact.
Ethan and I went to see a box lacrosse game this weekend. I was literally surrounded by pregnant girls/women, mothers with new babies, and toddlers. Women were rocking them in the stands everywhere I looked. I went to get Ethan a coffee and passed a group of young, teenage girls giggling and comparing their babies. I almost bumped into my little cousin ... who had a very large belly. One young girl was apparently opening gifts for her upcoming baby...she got a nice 'onesie' and pants. Once again, I felt completely inferior - thats a good word.
I had a dream a few days ago:
My breasts had something wrong with them. I pinched my nipples and out came some sort of gunky, rotten milk...it was curdled and green...like cottage cheese. I remember feeling sickened and worried about it...and yet, there was an overwhelming feeling that I had to hide my problem.
There was one beacon light of hope tonight. Someone online said that after she was home-studied, she got phone calls immedietly. Within one and a half years she had 3 kids! Three NATIVE kids! "There are so many native children out there who need homes!"
I hope the ball is rolling.
I'm sick of feeling...
sad about this.
So sorry... sometimes I find myself writing when I'm depressed about something. Today is slightly better.
Well...been looking into adoption.
We've been toying with the idea for a couple years now. I've been a little more enthusiastic about it lately though - more so than Ethan. Now he's wondering if he really wants kids at this point... he's backing out?! I've been calling and e-mailing people for over a year now and suddenly he doesn't want kids now? I think maybe its scary for him. He says he doesn't want to "share" me. As sweet as it sounds... I was still thinking, "WHAT?!!?!?" I kind of got sad. I wish he would discuss his feelings... his real feelings about this. I feel like this journey is all mine and not "ours" sometimes. I wish Ethan viewed feelings... *thinking*... I wish Ethan would value feelings as much as he valued actions. This is a big thing that should be discussed! Trying to talk to him about it is like pulling teeth sometimes. I'm so afraid to tell him another possible avenue, or option, or etc. etc. I think the process of making a family is scary to him.
... and it is.