I am at a loss for words. Remember that ray of sunshine poking through the clouds? That nice little sunrise warming my cheeks? Well... a giant whirlwind came and knocked it back behind the gloomy billows of darkness! ... and here I am. No child. No adoption. No period. No nothing. What am I doing wrong????? Nothing is right.
Do you want to know what happened? Ah! Alas! Another door slammed shut in my face. Its hard to be poetic when your eyes are burning and you can't catch your breath after a good cry. I'm tired and my words aren't as structured as I normally like them to be. I shall relate to you the first story in a quiet, little nutshell.
That girl. That girl seemed so excited to tell me about her baby. We were getting to know each other. We were sharing life stories. We were sharing pictures and dreams. My hopes were rising! I was staring at her photographs wondering what kind of child she would have. We joked with each other via e-mails and Myspace messages...sometimes for an hour straight. This young girl was comfortable with me... I could sense it! She told me she felt good knowing her child would be with good people.
Then... as if time flip flopped into another space... the dream was over. Suddenly she stopped sending messages. I didn't want to press her so I let it go. The time frame dragged on without responses. Nothing. One evening I noticed she was logged onto her Myspace page and I sent a chat request. She finally responded and for a minute I was relieved. But... Something was wrong. Her sentences were short. "Please God, don't let her be changing her mind!!!!" I felt bold (desperate?) and asked her how her situation was with the baby. A minute passed. Then two. Then three. "Please God... don't do this to me!" Minute four: a response, "Oh. I lost the baby." Time stood still. I mean, it REALLY stood still. I stared at the computer screen. Thats all I could do. Then it happened - my heart literally crumbled. The pain was so intense. Along with the pain came the shame! The shame I had knowing that my tears were streaming for myself rather than for that girl or for the baby put me in a surreal state of mind. I seriously can't describe this heart ache. "pain" "heartbreak" "shame" "hurt" ... these words are so trivial. Part of me wondered if she was lying because she couldn't bare to tell me she changed her mind. She was so nonchalant about it.. as if she were talking about losing her favorite book or a hair barette. Part of me wondered if she was making it all up from the start for a good laugh. I will never know because a month later she deleted me from her 'friend' list and so all contact is over with now.
I'm so tired.
I haven't slept a wink.
I'm so tired.
My mind is on the blink.
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink.
No No No
I'm so tired.
I don't know what to do.
Although I'm so tired,
my mind is set on you...