all I have to do is dream

February 19, 2008
So things seem to be at a standstill. Miss Bird Brain couldn't make an appointment for 'one of those things' so I have to wait ... and wait... and wait for my next menstral cycle. My life is on hold waiting for my "cycle" to get its act together. I feel like the world revolves around the shedding of my uterus - as if it had the power to stop time and, for some reason, it takes pleasure in teasing me! "Ha ha! You can't make me! Nya nya nya nya nya!!!"


I said this before, but... A popular belief among people of my tribe is that a baby picks its parents before they are even born. Some women swear that they dream about their children just before they find out they're pregnant. I don't know what to think about when I hear these things... but it gives me some comfort.

Another dream last night:
In my dream someone told me that there was this baby in the other room. I went to see it and it was sleeping. As I looked down at it (don't know if it was a he or a she) its eyes opened. It looked at me... and then gave me the biggest smile. For some reason, I had a feeling that it was choosing me to be its mom. I knew it was mine.
This was a very short dream.

throw my uterus in a fruit salad please!

November 19,2007
In other news: I got my period yesterday and I finally can make that call to schedule the hystersalpingogram. The nurse in the office, Sal, makes the appointments but she's not in the office until the end of the month! Uggg. I just want to get the ball rolling. The secretary is a bird brain. Whenever I call she seems totally clueless! I end up having to explain things to her as far as what I need and she ends up having to get Sal EVERY time.

Well Sal wasn't there today and Miss Bird Brain says, "Ummmm... Uh... I have no idea what that is... ummm" I explain: The doctor can only do the proceedure on a Friday. I'm supposed to have it done at the end of my period which comes and goes as it pleases. It could be 5 months from now that I have my next period and I'm NOT waiting another 5 months to schedule this proceedure. My period should end this friday.

Perfect, right?!

Miss Bird Brain BETTER figure things out here! Miss Bird Brain didn't know how to make an appointment for 'one of those things'. "I'm going to have to wait for Sal to come back to do that." WHAT?!??! I didn't know what to say. I tried explaining it to her again and I got the same reaction. She did say she would ask the doctor what to do when she gets the chance. OH... MY... GOD.... if I have to wait until my next period.... (insert blood curdling scream here).

I had another odd dream again last night:

My period started getting heavy and when I went to the bathroom, wierd pieces of something started coming out. The pieces looked like hardened tripe (gross, huh??!!!) Maybe it was more like long strips of pineapple. They kept coming out and I couldn't flush them so I had to make a pile on the bathroom floor. I think it was almost as though it was pieces of my uterus - but I wasn't scared, there was something natural about the ordeal. As if large chunks of pineapple falling out of your crotch is a normal, biological occurance!

There is a little diagram of "The Menstral Cycle" on the chart I use to track my basal temps. Its a circular chart and it shows what the lining of the uterus looks like during the cycle. It looks kind of like a pineapple ring - thats probably why I dreamed this ODD dream!

My biological clock is ticking... AND ITS MAKING ME A TAD PSYCHO!!!!! just a tad

November 13, 2008

I had so many questions to ask Becca, but I held back. I didn't want her to think I was all psycho... although, when your biological clock is ticking, doesn't it make one just a little bit psycho??? Holy shit! I wanted to run around and shout to the world, "There might be a baby for us out there!!!!!"

I eventually told Ethan and, in typical Ethan (guy?) fashion, he was practical and un-emotional. I don't know if his reaction brought me down to earth or what... but it definitely supressed a gigantic urge to jump up & down while freakishly waving my hands in the air as if my hair was on fire! "Don't get your hopes up" HA!

His reaction was expected however. I didn't exactly expect him to grab my hands and jump up and down with me while letting out a high pitched screech. We've talked about adoption before... and he knew I was in the process of looking into it.
His reaction was, "Well, what about what we've been doing with the tests and your doctor?" and "You know, that would be opening up a door for some hard times possibly." and "I think we should just stick to what we've been trying to do with the doctors... I don't know about this." I stood there... hair on fire extinguished and smoldering. AND THEN he said something that crushed my heart, "I think we should only adopt if there is an absolute need. I say if there are OTHER good families out there waiting for a kid, let them do it... I don't know."

Ok wait a minute.... first he wanted me, a psychotic girl about to explode if she doesn't have a child soon, to look into adoption... now he's telling me to wait. You don't do that! Am I right??????
I know, I know... he's just being practical and he doesn't want me to get hurt if things go wrong, ie. the mother decides to keep the child, or wants it back (Indian Child Welfare laws dictate different rules in our case). I didn't know how to react to his reactions. Its as though you are a kid waking up Christmas morning to find out Santa forgot your house. I wanted to cry.

So I told my mom about Becca's news and I finally got a reaction similar to mine. Phew! I wasn't crazy afterall. In fact, I think she wanted to cry. I told her Ethan's reaction and she was on the same page as myself, "Well, I think you should keep ALL your options open!" I said, "Well, what if we actually adopt this child and I get pregnant at the same time!" Her answer was obvious," Well.. then you have two!" EXACTLY!

I'll take whatever the Creator gives me! I couldn't say no if she came back and said there is a definite need for a family for this child. How could Ethan THINK to say no??? I can't imagine where I'd be today if my own parents said no when the department of social services told them there was a baby girl available. One word: Unthinkable! Waiting for over 3 years for SOMETHING to happen and even the notion of turning something away... unthinkable!

But... don't get my hopes up.


divine intervention?

November 12, 2007

Ok- there is no period yet... but there IS news. Very interesting news I must say! I go to traditional ceremonies on the "Rez" and last Thursday was the one where children are honored. During this ceremony childrean get their Indian names and everyone dances. During one of the dances I said a little prayer...or maybe it was just thoughts in general towards the Creator. In my thoughts, as I watched mothers dancing with their children, I expressed a need for my own child. I danced and wondered when I'd get the chance to bring a baby to get her/his name. Someone once told me that even before children are born they pick who they want their parents to be. I wondered why we hadn't been chosen yet. "We'd make awesome parents, why haven't we been picked yet???"

I noticed my very young (biological) cousin with her baby girl. My uncle had been holding her while he danced. I have to admit, I was VERY jealous! Here was a teenage girl with a baby of her own -how could she possibly take care of it! She's still in high school! I wanted to say, "I'm family... give her to me!!!" I wasn't happy for her out of my own jealousy and I felt bad for feeling that way. Complete judgment swept through me. Once, I saw her at a family funtion. She was almost standing right in front of me, holding her baby... almost as if she were dying for me to jump up and say, "OH My God!!! Let me see her!!!!" ... But I didn't. I ignored her because I was too tired of pretending to be happy for, yet another, new mom.

I felt bad for doing that - I couldn't help it though.

... On with the news:

So, during the ceremony I was thinking of my jealousy and I made it disappear. I pushed it away and waved at my cousin when she was holding her baby. I gave her a smile and commented on how she was cute. I felt better... but MY arms were still empty. I said another prayer. As I was sitting there Becca, the woman from my nation whom I had been talking to about adoption, came up to me. She wondered if we ever got a home study done, which we haven't. "Well", she said, "Don't get your hopes up just yet, but..." Immedietly my brain screamed out "OH MY GOD!!!!!" "...there might be a baby for you guys. Not from this nation, but from another..." I was totally freaking out on the inside: "Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit". On the outside: "Oh. Really?" Becca continued, "But again, don't get your hopes up yet. Its just a possiblity." On the inside: "Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit" On the Outside: "Oh, Ok. Sounds interesting. Keep me posted. How old would this baby be?" "It would be a newborn because it hasn't been born yet." I had a ZILLION questions but I held back.
Holy Shit.

i think my ovaries are on strike.

November 4, 2007

So I called the doctor for my test results. Everything is fine. The bloodwork showed that my testosterone levels are slightly elevated but the doctor didn't think it was anything to worry about. My thyroid levels were a little high too.
Now, I have to wait for my next period so I can schedule the next lovely test: The Hysterosalpingogram. They have to make sure I'm not pregnant before that test so they do it after my cycle. HA! Waiting for my cycle is like waiting for a bus that never comes! It could be 4-6 months from now! That's pretty long for someone anxious to start the baby-making process... *sigh*. I seriously don't think I'm ovulating - but hey, I'm not the doctor.

May your cup runneth over... with good swimmers.

October 17, 2007
I made an appointment for Ethan, per St. Nick the OBGYN, to have a seminalysis done this Friday morning at 9:15. They said he could either do it here, at home, or in the office. I think, to him, its one of those, "well... gotta do what ya gotta do" -type of things.
When it comes to medical things he is pretty much in the dark. He gets a cold and he's asking me to write his eulogy! He gets very concerned over little things - like, when I was taking my basal temp in the morning he was all concerned, "What's wrong??" He's sweet. I can't imagine what he'd be like if I actually DO get pregnant and the times comes to deliver! Would he freak out?!? Would he be able to handle it?!??
I was watching the show "Birth Day" on the Discovery Health channel where it showed a live birth. Ethan walked into the room just as the baby splat out - all bloody, etc. I laughed when he said, "Uggggg!!!! I didn't know they came out all bloody! That's gross!" He promptly left the room. Wait a minute! Was he one of those kids in health class who had to leave the room during the birthing videos????? What am I in for?
I'm wondering if he wants to be minimally involved. I mean, he'd do anything for me when it comes down to it... but I wonder if deep inside he's thinking, "Ok, well this is a woman thing. Go to it sport! Do what you gotta do! I'm there for ya honey! Ummm ... I'll be over here." I wish all I had to do was jerk off into a cup! How easy would that be?!?!???
This is a shot in the dark for me. I have no idea what I'm getting into! What the hell have I started?!?! Don't get me wrong, I really want kids... definitely!!! Its just pretty scary to think about... and I think he's more scared than he lets on.

Side Note:
It would be cool to give birth in the same area my ancestors gave birth. This whole city used to belong to us back in the day. I didn't grow up on a reservation. I was adopted and grew up in the suburbs. A street over from the one I grew up on is built over a very old Indian Village site. I love walking on that street because I feel a closeness to the people that onced existed there... my relations. I wonder how many births took place in that village. As the snow melts during springtime I take strolls over to the site and wonder if those ancient souls are watching me. It would be great to take a stroller some day with my own child... and be able to tell her/him whats under the ugly cookie cutter housing development.
At any rate, I'd say I'm optimistic.


ho ho ho! jolly saint gynocologist

October 11, 2007

Another new development: I finally went to a gynacologist for one of those fun check ups. Why the hell am I not pregnant after 4 years??! Why the hell didn't I go earlier?? I'm not afraid of going... I think I was just afraid of what the doctor might find. *Thats good Sadie, put your head in the sand why don't you!*

Dr. B is really nice. He made me feel comfortable. Picture a big ... uh... picture a big, jolly Santa Clause minus the red suit! Ok, thats a little scary to picture... but that is what comes to mind when trying to describe Dr. B. He jokes around and makes me laugh. He said my uterus felt a little enlarged but he couldn't quite tell for sure cuz I was extremely ticklish when he pressed on my lower abdomen. (Oh my god I HATE being touched down there! I'm not uncomfortable... just wicked ticklish!!! I don't even let my husband touch me there without screaming and trying to wiggle away!) He sent me to a radiologist to have a sonogram done. That was odd. It was a "vaginal" sonogram. Some girl had to basically shove a dildo-shaped device covered with a latex glove "up there" and move it around. I was more embarrassed for her sake! What a job to have! Hey, if it pays...

ANYWAY... I also have to take my temperatures every morning with a Basal Thermometer. I gotta start doing that after I get my next period ...who knows when that will be... could be 1 month, 4 or 7 months from now! (yes, I've gone 7 months without seeing a trace of a period). This baby making process is DAMN SLOW!

I left Dr. B's office feeling relieved and good with the new journey I've started. Will I get pregnant? Will there be a baby in 2008?? How odd to think about. I left with the feeling of someone being on my side. He left me with these words, "Well, we'll do some blood work on you and do some tests...and we'll see if we can get ya a little bambino!"

...must come down.

October 9, 2007

Well, its been a while since I've written last. As far as the application I spoke about...

dead end.

Basically, they don't get many native american children anymore (most native families keep the babies) and they told me to contact the Indian Nation representatives. I feel like a ping pong ball being paddled back and forth from one person to the next. When a curtain opens to reveal a light, another closes and I'm in the darkness again.

I did talk to someone from Ethan's nation... the woman I mentioned before. I went to a graduation party and Lisa was there. She was talking about all the foster kids she's had over the years, etc. The request (quest) to adopt / have kids came up. I told her we'd be very interested in adopting and she said she'd be glad to help us! She mentioned getting notices now and then of native children in need. She'd give us a call when she gets one. She'd look into it. I was so glad to finally talk to her! She seemed like the "right" person to talk to. We had initially talked to some other woman a while ago about adoption. She was a dud (nortorious for not going through with promises or doing her job). About "the dud" I'd hear, "Oh, you're not gonna get anywhere with her!" or "She'll do something when she feels like it - but I wouldn't rely on her." Turns out "the dud" retired without ever calling us since we last talked about 2 years ago! That was the first door shut in our faces. Lisa was definitely different.

Unfortunately, very recently, Lisa had a bad brain annurism which put her into a coma for a very long time. She's such a nice woman along with her husband. They're one of those couples you admire because they just look good together. Well, Lisa had a slim chance of making it. In fact, the doctors are amazed she got this far - she's going to need extensive therapy. She can barely talk or do anything for that matter. I feel guilty for thinking, "No!!!!! She was looking into adoption for us! Now we're back to square one!!!" Another door shut. I have a one way ticket to hell for thinking such greedy thoughts, I'm sure!

Soon after that, another door opened up. I was referred to the sister of an old aquaintence, Becca. Apparently she works in some sort of social services program for my Nation. I called her up and she said she'd look into it there.... though, she didn't have a clue as to how to do it! "I'm kind of new here and still figuring things out." Something tells me working with Becca will be frustrating. Natives tend to work at a slow pace...especially the ones from where I'm from! We'll see.

what goes up...

May 22, 2007

Just a note before bed:

Gotta call from the county's Dept. of Social Servies.

They received our application to adopt.

I wasn't home to take the call. I'll call tomorrow.

native babies everywhere

May 20, 2007

So I just sent out an "Application to Adopt" to the Dept. of Social Services. In it, we expressed an interest in having a home study done by a social worker from either one of our Indian Nations. Lisa, from his nation, has done home studies before. I put down her name on the application - I'm hoping they call Lisa soon! We mailed it sometime last week. I'm sick of not knowing what to do or who to contact.

Ethan and I went to see a box lacrosse game this weekend. I was literally surrounded by pregnant girls/women, mothers with new babies, and toddlers. Women were rocking them in the stands everywhere I looked. I went to get Ethan a coffee and passed a group of young, teenage girls giggling and comparing their babies. I almost bumped into my little cousin ... who had a very large belly. One young girl was apparently opening gifts for her upcoming baby...she got a nice 'onesie' and pants. Once again, I felt completely inferior - thats a good word.

I had a dream a few days ago:
My breasts had something wrong with them. I pinched my nipples and out came some sort of gunky, rotten milk...it was curdled and green...like cottage cheese. I remember feeling sickened and worried about it...and yet, there was an overwhelming feeling that I had to hide my problem.

There was one beacon light of hope tonight. Someone online said that after she was home-studied, she got phone calls immedietly. Within one and a half years she had 3 kids! Three NATIVE kids! "There are so many native children out there who need homes!"


I hope the ball is rolling.

I'm sick of feeling...
sad about this.

option adoption

May 10, 2007

So sorry... sometimes I find myself writing when I'm depressed about something. Today is slightly better.

Well...been looking into adoption.

We've been toying with the idea for a couple years now. I've been a little more enthusiastic about it lately though - more so than Ethan. Now he's wondering if he really wants kids at this point... he's backing out?! I've been calling and e-mailing people for over a year now and suddenly he doesn't want kids now? I think maybe its scary for him. He says he doesn't want to "share" me. As sweet as it sounds... I was still thinking, "WHAT?!!?!?" I kind of got sad. I wish he would discuss his feelings... his real feelings about this. I feel like this journey is all mine and not "ours" sometimes. I wish Ethan viewed feelings... *thinking*... I wish Ethan would value feelings as much as he valued actions. This is a big thing that should be discussed! Trying to talk to him about it is like pulling teeth sometimes. I'm so afraid to tell him another possible avenue, or option, or etc. etc. I think the process of making a family is scary to him.

... and it is.

in the beginning

In the beginning, God created man and woman and they had a kid or two or three or whatever and everything was honkey dory for mankind. Well... for some anyway.

Lets start at the beginning: My paper journal with the pretty picture of a wild bird on the front.

...and so it goes...

May 8, 2007
This is a journal I wanted to start apart from my other (regular) journals. . This journal will describe the part of my life that has started aprox. one and a half years ago. The part of my life when I decided I actually wanted to be a mother. It will describe my quest, frustrations, hopes, and dreams of becoming a mother. Is it merely a biological quest? In other words, is it some human instinct for a woman to virtually be obsessed (for lack of a better word) with becoming a mother at a certain point in her life? Just as the moon started my monthly cycles, are these new urges connected to some celestial orb as well? Am I referring to the infamous, "Biological Clock" ticking away at my brain? Are there some chemicals surging through my veins telling me its time to have a baby? Hmmmm...

Women's Choice. A woman's "right to choose" makes me sick... as if EVERY woman gets that right! I haven't used any kind of protection in over 5 years or so...my womb must be a cavernous void filled with cobwebs and eerie echos. HELLO!? ...HELLO.... Hello...hello... hell... I'm sick of pregnancy tests that continually remind me of the lack of choice I have. Maybe if I stare long and hard enough at the stick. Maybe if I visualize a "+" sign, it will magically appear. I often wonder if I had saved all the negative pregnancy test sticks - could I make an artistic statement with them? ...some sort of massive sculpture filled with faded negative indicators.

...and people who don't want babies because its not the "right time" to have one...(sometimes) just throw them away!?! Abortion makes me cry. How the hell do you just throw away another human being?! How the hell do I get me one of those throw away babies??!

My world is filled with people who are pregnant. ...with people assumming I have a choice. ...of swelling tummys and women sharing photos. I feel like a hollow pin ball being bounced around a million round tummys. I feel like a girl - 3 feet tall among towering pregnant women... surrounding me in a circle; their stomachs protruding in front of me at eye level. They're all speaking some strange language only a mother would know...and chuckling among themselves involved in some sort of "inside joke".

Its late tonight so maybe I don't know how to describe my feelings. I do know that I'm sick of people asking me, "So when are YOU gonna have kids!?" or "Oh, you're gonna have beautiful kids who look just like you!" or "How come you don't have kids yet?! You better get on the ball!" or "I can't wait for you to have a baby!" I just want to cry. I don't seem to have a choice..."YOU need to have a baby!"

"So when are you gonna have kids?" I hate that question.

I wish I knew...
I feel so



...my heart leaps and the ride begins

I feel like I just got on a big, scary ride. Let me take you along. A typical time line of events goes like this... You see the commercials for the newest, biggest, fastest roller coaster at a nearby amusement park. You get excited and start making plans to go. Time goes by and suddenly you're actually in line for it and the excitement swells. As your line winds around for the 50th time in the hot sun, you catch a glimps of the first drop up close. It doesn't sit well with you. You start fiddling. Excitment turns to nervousness. The line winds up a small flight of stairs and makes its way to a chain of cars. You could easily turn around and leave but something inside pushes you forward. You finally sit down in a hard, uncomfortable seat. Just as the safety bar clicks abruptly over your shoulders you change your mind and are jolted forward. All you can do is wonder how you got there in the first place.

This is how I feel at the thought of going through this whole fertility testing stuff. After doing the "Baby Dance" with my husband for... I don't know... say 5 years without results, it was finally time to take the first steps in finding out what exactly was wrong with this picture. That was last October. I have my first hysterosalpingogram in a few weeks and I am nervous. What the hell is that?!?! Ahhhh... still wanna come along for the ride?

Oh, but this is just the beginning...