human pin cushion

Well... a little update on whats wrong with my reproductive goods. I DON'T KNOW! Doctor Chris Kringle couldn't find anything conclusive with the HSG so he suggested I go under the knife. (Insert sarchastic "yay!" here) He needs to root around in there a little bit... so...

I get to be knocked out and have 3 things done: 1. Hysteroscopy 2. D & C 3. Laproscopy proceedure.

He still thinks there is something wrong there Dr. Kringle is going to look inside and outside of my uterus. Hmmmm... I'm more afraid of him finding anything remotely 'bad'. There is a definite blockage in my left fallopian tube and another doctor suggested that it might be backed up menstral gunk. "In the many years of practicing, I've never heard of such a thing! I must have missed THAT lecture. But who knows... "

Eegads! I'm going to be a human pin cushion!

In other news, Becca is coming to my house on Monday morning to do a homestudy. I'm glad Ethan doesn't have school that morning so we'll both be there. I know its not necessary, but now I feel like I need to clean EVERY single nook and cranny of my house!!! You know, dust the baseboards and all the light bulbs, straighten the CD rack and hanged pictures, scrape under the stove burners and the gook behind the toilet, etc. etc. etc. As if Becca is going to have this pristine white glove ready and go over every little detail, "OH...MY...GOD!!! A child couldn't possibly live in this kind of environment!! Look at those dust bunnies!!!!" Ok, so thats a little too psycho... but I still feel like doing it. I wonder if any other potential adoptive moms have thought the same?


a need to stop the tackiness

I just keep thinking about that baby girl living with Becca. She might be 7 months old now. I keep thinking about the style of clothes I would buy her if she were ours...I find myself punishing myself by flipping through the baby racks at Target in a daydream. I gotta stop doing that. Am I psycho????? For now *sigh* I shop with an empty cart.

My sister-in-law and her mother seem to think that frilly, stiff, polyester taffeta dresses with fake velvet belts are pretty. They dress up my niece in that shit all the time and I just want to strip the child down and dress her in something not-so-tacky!

You should have seen the easter dress she was drowning in this year! Just for shits and giggles, they decided to put it on her 2 days before easter to see how she would look. I seriously thought it was a halloween costume! My instinct was to laugh... but then I saw their proud faces and I bit my tongue. I thought it was a Halloween princess costume!!! In the words of the dad in the movie 'A Christmas Story', she looked "like a pink nightmare!!" The top bodice part was a scratchy polyester with sequin "flowers" and bows. The bottom skirt part was layers upon layers upon layers of this netting shit. It was like, child beauty pagent tacky. "Ohhhh, you're sooo pretty!!!", they squealed. I bit my tongue and swallowed the little bit of puke erupting from my esophagus.

I would dress babies in cotton and calico prints....plain jane. But thats just me.


good news bad news

HORRAY!!!! After months of waiting for the window of opportunity to present itself, I finally had the HSG done! I feel like lighting off fireworks! Finally!

How odd it is to see your insides on live TV! It was kind of creepy to see my pelvis bones on live TV. Fallopian tubes are funny. Before all this HSG shit, I thought fallopian tubes were as straight as the textbooks in health class showed. Knowing that we've been having unprotected sex for 5 years resulting in no baby, I expected to see a couple of curly Q fries with corkscrew curves. They weren't THAT bad, but they did look kind of like winding creeks you can sometimes see out of an airplane window. The cramping was non-existant when he first put the catheter in. When he injected the dye, however, I could feel it and yeah... cramp city. It was a familiar cramp though... nothing I hadn't felt before during some of my periods.

Well, the right side looked fine. The dye spilled out normally. My left side looked "funny." There was some odd spillage and the other doctor reading the screen asked if the catheter was coming out. When I heard that I thought, "Aw shit! Not again!" I immeditely wondered if I should have invested in those Ben Wah balls I saw at a recent "adult toy" party a friend of mine had. Maybe I should have trained my cooch beforehand to hold things in better!!! Luckily the catheter didn't come out... but my doctor kept looking at my left side. He thought there could be a polyp but he wasn't sure.

When the proceedure was over he told me to stop by his office next week for a follow-up and he would know more by then. He said he might have to schedule a Hystero... something. Hysteroscopy? Ugggg... I'm really starting to hate those women who say, "I'm very fertile. All my husband has to do is LOOK at me and I'm pregnant... tee hee!" I just wanna smash their faces into a brick wall.

Anyhoo...yeah...One more thing. I completely forgot about this interesting incident that happed to me almost 3 years ago. I had a woman come over to my house to read tea leaves for me. Part of me was skeptical of her psychic abilities. Part of me was extremely curious. Before she told me what her tea leaves said, she asked if I wanted just good news or the good AND the bad (of course I'm gonna want to know the bad too! Come on! Wouldn't you??) She said there were 12 relatives who have passed on that were watching over me. 7 women and 5 men. They were all awed at what I was doing and curious to know where I was going next. They sometimes crowd around me while I sleep to watch me (creepy, yet comforting) and "thats why sometimes you wake up gasping for breath in the middle of the night" (which was true). "They're getting too close! Haha...all you have to do is tell them you need a little more room and they'll back away."

She said that I would "experience a significant loss in a year and a half... could be a car, could be something like an important job... it could be a family member. But it will happen in the Spring a year and a half from now." A year and a half later, in May, I lost my grandma after a sudden stroke. Didn't see it coming.

I asked if I was ever going to have kids. The leaves told her that there was a "hole" in my left side regarding that. "Yeah... theres definitely a hole. A hole could mean a literal hole... but it could also mean just something wrong in general. Its definitely on your left side. Just see a doctor and it can be fixed. After that you will have kids." Innnteresting.

This tea leaf reading suddenly popped into my head this morning and I was like, "Ohhh myyy goddd!" EVERYTHING she said that would happen to me came true so far! There were other things she said but I'd have to look in my past diaries to find out what they were....but holy shit, eh?!?!