hey... are you staring at my uterus?!

During my freshmore year in high school (having to repeat the 9th grade, I refused to be referred to as a mere Freshman for one more year ) I had a strange Social Studies teacher. I'll call him Mr. Wackjob. This was the guy who always had a drawer full of random toys like remote controlled Godzillas or wind up chomping teeth. During test time, Mr. Wackjob could be found fiddling with one toy or another as if he were in his own world. During class sometimes, he would also play home movies of his times over in Vietnam during the war... complete with the blood and gore. I thought it was cool at the time, but thinking about it now... hmmm... some of his home movies could be a little inappropriate for young viewers. Then again, my 6th grade nephews are glued to the tv playing the latest war video game which is just as violent.

One particular day, Mr. Wackjob came into class and quietly put a carpet down onto the floor. Everyone quieted down to see what strange ritual he seemed to be setting up for. He acted in a very somber way and all of us kids looked at each other wondering what was going on. He knelt down on the carpet and closed his eyes in silence for what seemed to be more than 5 minutes. Giggling from the back of the room started. Suddenly, Mr. Wackjob took out a knife from its hidden sheath under his shirt and proceeded to cut into his lower abdomen with a loud, drawn out moan. The giggling stopped. Everyone froze. He collapsed in a heap.

Mr. Wackjob had just commited Seppuku in front of the entire 9th grade Social Studies class at 8:30 in the morning. (Don't worry, the knife was fake).

Seppuku (切腹, Seppuku? "stomach-cutting") is a form of Japanese ritual suicide by disembowelment. Seppuku was originally reserved only for samurai. Part of the samurai honor code, seppuku has been used voluntarily by samurai to die with honor rather than fall into the hands of their enemies, as a form of capital punishment for samurai who have committed serious offenses, and for reasons that shamed them. Seppuku is performed by plunging a sword into the abdomen and moving the sword left to right in a slicing motion.

After that morning, I never forgot the word Seppuku and its meaning. Years later I felt particularily brainy when, after watching Bud Cort cut himself in a similar fashion in the movie 'Harold & Maude', I blurted out, "Hey! He must be performing some sort of Seppuku-like ritual." The friends I was with responded, "What the fuck are you talking about??!" Way to go Mr. Wackjob... your teaching method worked. If only I could remember who fought in the war of 1812!

You might be wondering what this all has to do with ...well, anything. I'll tell you! Last Saturday morning I went under the knife. I had my hysteroscopy, D&C, and laproscopic surgery to find out what the heck was wrong with my female goods. It is now Monday evening and I still feel as if Dr. Kringle sliced my lower abdomen open with a Seppuku sword. Uggg.

The Results Are In:

1. My ovaries looked good... though the left fallopian tube is still clogged even after the power washing.

2. My uterus is bigger than normal and it is oddly shapen.

3. The hole to get in the uterus was very small... almost entirely closed so he couldn't get his instrument in there at first.

4. Once inside the uterus he saw no polyps or fibroids which is good.

I have to see some sort of specialist. I now feel like a freakish alien with a giant uterus. How normal is this??

After the proceedure Ethan was talking to the doctor and laughing. Dr. Kringle said, "Hey, now-a-days they can get anyone pregnant it seems. Hey, I wouldn't be surprised if you or I could get pregnant if someone tried hard enough!" Ha! I can't see Ethan pregnant! THAT would be a sight!

I'm glad my doctor is optimistic. At least its another few pieces to the no baby puzzle.

Time to pop another happy flying pill!