depression sets in on this rainy september day

I'm having a moment of depression.

I thought for sure Dr. Kringle would be able to pin point what my problems were, fix them, and then scoot me off to have a baby. Well, didn't turn out that way. He is at a loss and I am now scheduled for an appointment with a Fertility Clinic in November.

The clinic sent me a packet, along with a DVD, explaining the different treatments they offer, the percentages of success rates, infirtility factors, payment options, etc. etc. All of the information was overwhelming and I feel as though I'm spinning out of control with all these terms and proceedure names that I know nothing about!

As I flipped through the folder in a daze I suddenly burst into tears as I read the definition of infertility: The inability to conceive after one year of regular unprotected intercourse. (Its been over 6 years for us) It was official... I'm Infertile. I cried as I thought about everyone I know who has had children without even thinking about it. I never felt so inferior. I got angry at Becca all over again as I thought about her holding that little girl at the fair....and here I am getting poked and prodded and jabbed and medicated and injected and x-rayed and peered into and put under and punctured and cut up and sewn up and shuffled along to the next doctor to do more of the same. I got even angrier when I thought of how she could have her own biological children if she wanted to... and here she is trying to adopt this little girl for her own instead of trying to help me like the original plan. It fuckin' sucks!!!!!!!!!! Damn it, I'm STILL angry about it!!!! (but I will continue to keep my cool....even though I wanna scratch her eyes out. She is still trying to help us with adoption... I hope.) Her words still ring in my ears, "I think I would like to adopt some day... but if something comes up, I'd definitely want any child to go to a couple first." FUCK!

Sometimes I just wanna have a good cry. Sometimes that cry comes at odd times... like after sex. Luckily Ethan didn't see the tears coming down my cheeks after we did it the day I opened the packet. Yes, the sex was good... but I'm damaged goods. I really felt it then.

I don't wanna have to wait until November to see what the next step is. I don't wanna have to go to this clinic. I don't wanna learn about their treatment options. I don't wanna worry about whether or not my insurance will cover this place. I don't wanna give my arm up for more bloodwork. I don't wanna have my abdomen pressed by cold hands again. I don't wanna wear a backless hospital gown and sit on a waiting table again. I don't wanna fill out more forms. I don't wanna call my health insurance company again. I don't wanna get more bills in the mail.

I just want to have a baby like a normal person would GOD DAMN IT!
Fuck you God.

roller coaster does a loop-de-loop and I'm gonna barf.

I saw Dr. Kris Kringle today for my post-op appointment. He showed me some pictures of my ovaries and tubes which was really rad! They looked good but my left tube was still blocked after they injected the dye. He found a polyp (which I got to see) and got rid of it. He also referred me to a specialist and I have an appointment with the new doctor in November. Man, I hope I don't have to go under the knife again. I was hoping to get some answers but I'm still in the dark.

In other news, I ran into Becca at a fair last week. I was walking towards a building and she turned the corner in front of me. I'm still a little saddened about the whole "misunderstanding" about that little girl she now has (See March 26th blog entitled 'cry cry cry cry cry cry cry'). I happened to notice her first and looked away. She was holding her baby. My heart sank with saddness and bitter jealousy. I managed to fake smile and looked up, "Oh! Hey Becca. I didn't see you... almost walked right by you! How are you?!?" (I COULD HAVE BEEN NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR FOR THAT ONE!) I didn't want to look at the baby girl but I had to force myself to... afterall, who greets someone holding a baby and doesn't make a comment??? "Ohhh... she's soo cute!" I even grabbed her fingers and smiled. I felt so fake. I was totally acting. Move over Greta Garbo!

Yes, the baby WAS cute... but looking at her made my depression level rise. "Say hi to Sadie", Becca said to the baby who obviously wasn't old enough to talk. I smiled and made small talk, "I'm trying to find my husband! He's lost!" (fake chuckle). She chuckled. It sounded just as fake as mine but I couldn't tell for sure. Suddenly she says, "Hey - I'm looking into something for you so don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you. I know I've been so busy with other things but don't worry. I'm looking into something." Was I showing my disapointment of having empty arms at that moment? ...or was it simply HER GUILT! Hmmmm...... I know I know... psycho Sadie.

Her comment actually snapped me back into the real world. It was interesting. Inside, I was jumping up and down as if it were Christmas morning and I was standing at a massive pile of gifts under the tree waiting for the green light to start tearing paper to shreds. On the outside, I calmly said, "Oh really? Ok." and "Oh, thats no problem, I understand we're all busy these days." and "Ok, yeah.. keep me posted. I'll see ya later." (AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...) "OK thanks. Talk to you later."

Immedietly I went into psycho mode. "Working on something"... "working on something"... those words kept repeating in my mind. What the heck was she working on?!? Couldn't she give me any more information?!? In my attempt to remain cool I think I forgot to ask for details. DOH! What was I thinking??!! Uggg...

(...*ENVELOPE RIPPING* ...SADIE MARIE! FOR HER ROLE IN 'SHADY SITUATIONS' - APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE)