native babies everywhere

May 20, 2007

So I just sent out an "Application to Adopt" to the Dept. of Social Services. In it, we expressed an interest in having a home study done by a social worker from either one of our Indian Nations. Lisa, from his nation, has done home studies before. I put down her name on the application - I'm hoping they call Lisa soon! We mailed it sometime last week. I'm sick of not knowing what to do or who to contact.

Ethan and I went to see a box lacrosse game this weekend. I was literally surrounded by pregnant girls/women, mothers with new babies, and toddlers. Women were rocking them in the stands everywhere I looked. I went to get Ethan a coffee and passed a group of young, teenage girls giggling and comparing their babies. I almost bumped into my little cousin ... who had a very large belly. One young girl was apparently opening gifts for her upcoming baby...she got a nice 'onesie' and pants. Once again, I felt completely inferior - thats a good word.

I had a dream a few days ago:
My breasts had something wrong with them. I pinched my nipples and out came some sort of gunky, rotten milk...it was curdled and green...like cottage cheese. I remember feeling sickened and worried about it...and yet, there was an overwhelming feeling that I had to hide my problem.

There was one beacon light of hope tonight. Someone online said that after she was home-studied, she got phone calls immedietly. Within one and a half years she had 3 kids! Three NATIVE kids! "There are so many native children out there who need homes!"

Interesting.

I hope the ball is rolling.

I'm sick of feeling...
sad about this.