along the tight rope

What is it about a woman's biological clock that makes her a tad...shall we say... psycho? Is it a chemical imbalance? Does it cause women to think with a cloud in thier brains? Should they be called cuckoo clocks?!!

So I got to wondering if I experienced a little bit of the biological clock psychotic woman syndrome that seems to be present in my brain.

Am I also fueling the fire, so to speak, by drowning my sorrows on this blog?

Am I becoming too consumed by this?

Do I need to come back down to earth?

After my last post, I was beginning to think that maybe I shouldn't have felt immediately betrayed upon the news that Becca was on the path of adopting a baby herself without telling me. No e-mails, no calls, no nothing and the seemingly avoidance on her part told me she was automatically GUILTY! But... upon thinking about it I got my senses together and thought about Ethan's voice of reason.

My thoughts?
Thought 1: "Ok, what if Becca was really holding the baby for a bit until it is legally free for adoption. Maybe she WAS going to eventually tell us about it."

Thought 2: "Gee... I sound like I'm a little girl fighting over a toy I don't want to share."

Thought 3: "What is making me so psycho over this baby??? Am I twisted in the head??"

Thought 4: "You don't really know all the details."

REWIND TO LAST NOVEMBER : Becca tells me there is a newborn still in the hospital that needs a foster home. Since we weren't interested in becoming foster parents (we we wanted to JUST adopt), she didn't tell us about it until the day the baby was given away to a home on another reservation. We didn't talk much about it... afterall, whats done is done... besides, we really didn't want to be just foster parents.

COMING BACK TO TODAY: I finally got an e-mail back from Becca. She apologized for not getting back to me. She told me the story I heard was true; that she had taken in a baby girl. She had JUST decided to go the distance and be her foster mother which looked like it would lead to adoption. "It was the baby I told you about last November." She didn't mention anything to us because she was under the assumption that we didn't want to be foster parents first. (which is true... but at least return my emails!!!) She ended by saying that if we were willing to be foster parents first, this baby could very well be in our lives. There is a good possibility that it could lead to adoption.

OH man!!! I don't know what to do. We're going to meet with Becca sometime this week. A good possiblity is better than NO possibility , right????!!!! I have a gut feeling we should take the plunge and risk being foster parents first. (At any time during foster care, the mother or someone in her family could take the child back if they want to). I think that if we didn't go for it that sometime down the road I'll still be thinking, "What if what if what if we made the mistake of not taking her???" I'm willing to risk the heartbreak.

I'm teetering back and forth on a thin wire miles above the ground!!!!

in the beginning

In the beginning, God created man and woman and they had a kid or two or three or whatever and everything was honkey dory for mankind. Well... for some anyway.

Lets start at the beginning: My paper journal with the pretty picture of a wild bird on the front.

...and so it goes...

May 8, 2007
This is a journal I wanted to start apart from my other (regular) journals. . This journal will describe the part of my life that has started aprox. one and a half years ago. The part of my life when I decided I actually wanted to be a mother. It will describe my quest, frustrations, hopes, and dreams of becoming a mother. Is it merely a biological quest? In other words, is it some human instinct for a woman to virtually be obsessed (for lack of a better word) with becoming a mother at a certain point in her life? Just as the moon started my monthly cycles, are these new urges connected to some celestial orb as well? Am I referring to the infamous, "Biological Clock" ticking away at my brain? Are there some chemicals surging through my veins telling me its time to have a baby? Hmmmm...

Women's Choice. A woman's "right to choose" makes me sick... as if EVERY woman gets that right! I haven't used any kind of protection in over 5 years or so...my womb must be a cavernous void filled with cobwebs and eerie echos. HELLO!? ...HELLO.... Hello...hello... hell... I'm sick of pregnancy tests that continually remind me of the lack of choice I have. Maybe if I stare long and hard enough at the stick. Maybe if I visualize a "+" sign, it will magically appear. I often wonder if I had saved all the negative pregnancy test sticks - could I make an artistic statement with them? ...some sort of massive sculpture filled with faded negative indicators.

...and people who don't want babies because its not the "right time" to have one...(sometimes) just throw them away!?! Abortion makes me cry. How the hell do you just throw away another human being?! How the hell do I get me one of those throw away babies??!

My world is filled with people who are pregnant. ...with people assumming I have a choice. ...of swelling tummys and women sharing photos. I feel like a hollow pin ball being bounced around a million round tummys. I feel like a girl - 3 feet tall among towering pregnant women... surrounding me in a circle; their stomachs protruding in front of me at eye level. They're all speaking some strange language only a mother would know...and chuckling among themselves involved in some sort of "inside joke".

Its late tonight so maybe I don't know how to describe my feelings. I do know that I'm sick of people asking me, "So when are YOU gonna have kids!?" or "Oh, you're gonna have beautiful kids who look just like you!" or "How come you don't have kids yet?! You better get on the ball!" or "I can't wait for you to have a baby!" I just want to cry. I don't seem to have a choice..."YOU need to have a baby!"

"So when are you gonna have kids?" I hate that question.

I wish I knew...
I feel so

small.