in the beginning

In the beginning, God created man and woman and they had a kid or two or three or whatever and everything was honkey dory for mankind. Well... for some anyway.

Lets start at the beginning: My paper journal with the pretty picture of a wild bird on the front.

...and so it goes...

May 8, 2007
This is a journal I wanted to start apart from my other (regular) journals. . This journal will describe the part of my life that has started aprox. one and a half years ago. The part of my life when I decided I actually wanted to be a mother. It will describe my quest, frustrations, hopes, and dreams of becoming a mother. Is it merely a biological quest? In other words, is it some human instinct for a woman to virtually be obsessed (for lack of a better word) with becoming a mother at a certain point in her life? Just as the moon started my monthly cycles, are these new urges connected to some celestial orb as well? Am I referring to the infamous, "Biological Clock" ticking away at my brain? Are there some chemicals surging through my veins telling me its time to have a baby? Hmmmm...

Women's Choice. A woman's "right to choose" makes me sick... as if EVERY woman gets that right! I haven't used any kind of protection in over 5 years or so...my womb must be a cavernous void filled with cobwebs and eerie echos. HELLO!? ...HELLO.... Hello...hello... hell... I'm sick of pregnancy tests that continually remind me of the lack of choice I have. Maybe if I stare long and hard enough at the stick. Maybe if I visualize a "+" sign, it will magically appear. I often wonder if I had saved all the negative pregnancy test sticks - could I make an artistic statement with them? ...some sort of massive sculpture filled with faded negative indicators.

...and people who don't want babies because its not the "right time" to have one...(sometimes) just throw them away!?! Abortion makes me cry. How the hell do you just throw away another human being?! How the hell do I get me one of those throw away babies??!

My world is filled with people who are pregnant. ...with people assumming I have a choice. ...of swelling tummys and women sharing photos. I feel like a hollow pin ball being bounced around a million round tummys. I feel like a girl - 3 feet tall among towering pregnant women... surrounding me in a circle; their stomachs protruding in front of me at eye level. They're all speaking some strange language only a mother would know...and chuckling among themselves involved in some sort of "inside joke".

Its late tonight so maybe I don't know how to describe my feelings. I do know that I'm sick of people asking me, "So when are YOU gonna have kids!?" or "Oh, you're gonna have beautiful kids who look just like you!" or "How come you don't have kids yet?! You better get on the ball!" or "I can't wait for you to have a baby!" I just want to cry. I don't seem to have a choice..."YOU need to have a baby!"

"So when are you gonna have kids?" I hate that question.

I wish I knew...
I feel so

small.