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OH MY GOD!!!! I can't believe this is happening to me! I'm sooo angry. I'm completely shocked. Just shocked. "WHAT?!?!??!" you say? Ohhhh.... I'm so confused. Where do I start???

So we've been pursuing adoption on top of getting fertility tests done. I've been working with that woman from the rez named Becca on the adoption thing. She had been a good contact since nobody else knew where to go about adopting native children. We were on her list of good canidates for any children needing homes. I Haden't heard from her for a while but I saw her a couple months ago at a ceremony. I only had time to asked her to e-mail me. She tells me she will ... but no response. Then I send Becca an e-mail last February asking for her phone number. No response. Hmmm... that's odd.

Meanwhile, I see my 6th grade neice at school a couple weeks ago. I ask her how the family is and she said, "Oh! My grandma (my biological mom) is sad." "Why?" "Well, she had a baby but then she lost it." Confused, I said, "WHAT??!!" My neice continues, "Yeah, I mean... a cousin had a baby but she couldn't take care of it so she gave it to my grandma. It was 2 months old. But they came and took it away from her so now she's sad. Oh... gotta go! Bye Auntie!" So this poor baby in the family has been on my mind lately. Who is it? Where did it come from? Where did it go? Boy or girl? Can we take it in???

So my (biological) sister calls me last night to chat about something and I brought up what my neice told me. "Ohhh yea... Yeah, a cousin of ours had a baby but couldn't take care of her. This cousin keeps popping them out even though she really shouldn't be a mom. She's on drugs and all... so anyway, she gave the baby to our mom. Someone in the baby's family didn't like the idea of our mom having her so it was taken away. We don't like the woman who has the baby now... she doesn't even know how to take care of babies. I heard she was even asking someone how to change a diaper! She doesn't even have a husband or a boyfriend."

And then she told me the name of the woman who has the baby now.... it was Becca!!! I was shocked! I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks! I told my sister that I had been working with Becca (maybe I said too much) with adoption and that for some reason she wasn't calling or e-mailing me back. "She's probably feeling guilty." Oh my god! What is going on here!!!

In a previous e-mail, Becca did say that she wanted to be a foster mom and would pursue adoption some day, "But I believe a baby should be placed with a couple first."

So after I got off the phone I just wanted to run and cry my eyes out. I felt completely betrayed and dazed! I've been checking my e-mail EVERY day for a response from her for a month! Could she be avoiding me?!?!! The possiblity of it all was overwhelming!

I hid my quivering voice as I told Ethan. Of course, he had to be the voice of reason.... which is really what I didn't want to hear at first!! I wanted him to react and say, "What!!?? That's bullshit!" or SOMETHING! I don't know.... light some torches, gather a pitchforked angry mob together and go marching down to her house! SOMETHING! All I got was a voice of reason, "Well... you don't know the whole story. If she does her job well, she'll know the best people to place the child with. Maybe she feels she is the best person for the child at this point." I wanted to fall into a heap and cry and cry and cry. I went for a drive and did just that. I drove up to an unfinished housing development on a hill, shut off the lights, and cried in the dark. The wind was so fierce that my car shook. I can't remember the last time I prayed so hard! The wind gave me comfort -I wasn't alone... at least there was SOMETHING sharing my fierce anger. There was, and still is, a knot in my stomach.

I don't know what to do.

I feel so .... betrayed.