along the tight rope

What is it about a woman's biological clock that makes her a tad...shall we say... psycho? Is it a chemical imbalance? Does it cause women to think with a cloud in thier brains? Should they be called cuckoo clocks?!!

So I got to wondering if I experienced a little bit of the biological clock psychotic woman syndrome that seems to be present in my brain.

Am I also fueling the fire, so to speak, by drowning my sorrows on this blog?

Am I becoming too consumed by this?

Do I need to come back down to earth?

After my last post, I was beginning to think that maybe I shouldn't have felt immediately betrayed upon the news that Becca was on the path of adopting a baby herself without telling me. No e-mails, no calls, no nothing and the seemingly avoidance on her part told me she was automatically GUILTY! But... upon thinking about it I got my senses together and thought about Ethan's voice of reason.

My thoughts?
Thought 1: "Ok, what if Becca was really holding the baby for a bit until it is legally free for adoption. Maybe she WAS going to eventually tell us about it."

Thought 2: "Gee... I sound like I'm a little girl fighting over a toy I don't want to share."

Thought 3: "What is making me so psycho over this baby??? Am I twisted in the head??"

Thought 4: "You don't really know all the details."

REWIND TO LAST NOVEMBER : Becca tells me there is a newborn still in the hospital that needs a foster home. Since we weren't interested in becoming foster parents (we we wanted to JUST adopt), she didn't tell us about it until the day the baby was given away to a home on another reservation. We didn't talk much about it... afterall, whats done is done... besides, we really didn't want to be just foster parents.

COMING BACK TO TODAY: I finally got an e-mail back from Becca. She apologized for not getting back to me. She told me the story I heard was true; that she had taken in a baby girl. She had JUST decided to go the distance and be her foster mother which looked like it would lead to adoption. "It was the baby I told you about last November." She didn't mention anything to us because she was under the assumption that we didn't want to be foster parents first. (which is true... but at least return my emails!!!) She ended by saying that if we were willing to be foster parents first, this baby could very well be in our lives. There is a good possibility that it could lead to adoption.

OH man!!! I don't know what to do. We're going to meet with Becca sometime this week. A good possiblity is better than NO possibility , right????!!!! I have a gut feeling we should take the plunge and risk being foster parents first. (At any time during foster care, the mother or someone in her family could take the child back if they want to). I think that if we didn't go for it that sometime down the road I'll still be thinking, "What if what if what if we made the mistake of not taking her???" I'm willing to risk the heartbreak.

I'm teetering back and forth on a thin wire miles above the ground!!!!

a little detective work on the side

So Ethan didn't form an angry mob and march down to Becca's house afterall. After I came home from my cry he asked if I was OK. (As if my puffy eyes didn't give me completely away!) I felt like a little girl when I couldn't form the word "no" and instead, shook my head slowly while staring at the television. He gave me a hug and squeezed my hand. "Maybe in the back of my mind I just don't want to share you... (pause)... but I want what you want." It was sweet and I felt better.

I don't know why I feel this great urge to do a little detective work about this Becca woman. The grapevine on the rez is extensive and it wouldn't take long to get all the details. First she's all gung-ho about helping me become a mother... then suddenly she doesn't return my calls or e-mails.... and then I find out she took a baby in for herself that is related to my own family! (Indian Child Welfare Act states that family gets children in need of homes first). Something sounds shady. REAL shady.

I told my sister-in-law this story and she agreed. She works at the health clinic for Ethan's tribe and deals with child welfare, etc. Though she could be classified as someone a bit in the background of things, she still knows people to contact. She's going to contact a woman who deals with child cases who also knows Becca. I just wanna know what is going on. Even though I agree with Ethan in that I shouldn't REACT based on the little info I have... there is still this instintive voice inside me saying, "You know what Becca! Don't fuck with me!" I e-mailed her once again. In my e-mail I played dumb. I wondered why she hadn't returned my e-mails. I also said that I heard about my biologial mother not being able to take care of a baby in the family and wondered if she knew anything about it! I told her to let me know if there was anything we could do to help. So far, no answer... but that was only 2 days ago. In the meantime, I'll gather up my spies. My puffy eyes are gone and now its time for the cat in me to go on the prowl.

I just can't help thinking about that baby.

By the way... its a go for the turkey baster proceedure tomorrow.

stupid uterus

Don't tell me I have to put off the turkey baster proceedure AGAIN!!!!! I just noticed I'm spotting again....

stupid uterus.

cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry

OH MY GOD!!!! I can't believe this is happening to me! I'm sooo angry. I'm completely shocked. Just shocked. "WHAT?!?!??!" you say? Ohhhh.... I'm so confused. Where do I start???

So we've been pursuing adoption on top of getting fertility tests done. I've been working with that woman from the rez named Becca on the adoption thing. She had been a good contact since nobody else knew where to go about adopting native children. We were on her list of good canidates for any children needing homes. I Haden't heard from her for a while but I saw her a couple months ago at a ceremony. I only had time to asked her to e-mail me. She tells me she will ... but no response. Then I send Becca an e-mail last February asking for her phone number. No response. Hmmm... that's odd.

Meanwhile, I see my 6th grade neice at school a couple weeks ago. I ask her how the family is and she said, "Oh! My grandma (my biological mom) is sad." "Why?" "Well, she had a baby but then she lost it." Confused, I said, "WHAT??!!" My neice continues, "Yeah, I mean... a cousin had a baby but she couldn't take care of it so she gave it to my grandma. It was 2 months old. But they came and took it away from her so now she's sad. Oh... gotta go! Bye Auntie!" So this poor baby in the family has been on my mind lately. Who is it? Where did it come from? Where did it go? Boy or girl? Can we take it in???

So my (biological) sister calls me last night to chat about something and I brought up what my neice told me. "Ohhh yea... Yeah, a cousin of ours had a baby but couldn't take care of her. This cousin keeps popping them out even though she really shouldn't be a mom. She's on drugs and all... so anyway, she gave the baby to our mom. Someone in the baby's family didn't like the idea of our mom having her so it was taken away. We don't like the woman who has the baby now... she doesn't even know how to take care of babies. I heard she was even asking someone how to change a diaper! She doesn't even have a husband or a boyfriend."

And then she told me the name of the woman who has the baby now.... it was Becca!!! I was shocked! I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks! I told my sister that I had been working with Becca (maybe I said too much) with adoption and that for some reason she wasn't calling or e-mailing me back. "She's probably feeling guilty." Oh my god! What is going on here!!!

In a previous e-mail, Becca did say that she wanted to be a foster mom and would pursue adoption some day, "But I believe a baby should be placed with a couple first."

So after I got off the phone I just wanted to run and cry my eyes out. I felt completely betrayed and dazed! I've been checking my e-mail EVERY day for a response from her for a month! Could she be avoiding me?!?!! The possiblity of it all was overwhelming!

I hid my quivering voice as I told Ethan. Of course, he had to be the voice of reason.... which is really what I didn't want to hear at first!! I wanted him to react and say, "What!!?? That's bullshit!" or SOMETHING! I don't know.... light some torches, gather a pitchforked angry mob together and go marching down to her house! SOMETHING! All I got was a voice of reason, "Well... you don't know the whole story. If she does her job well, she'll know the best people to place the child with. Maybe she feels she is the best person for the child at this point." I wanted to fall into a heap and cry and cry and cry. I went for a drive and did just that. I drove up to an unfinished housing development on a hill, shut off the lights, and cried in the dark. The wind was so fierce that my car shook. I can't remember the last time I prayed so hard! The wind gave me comfort -I wasn't alone... at least there was SOMETHING sharing my fierce anger. There was, and still is, a knot in my stomach.

I don't know what to do.

I feel so .... betrayed.

spring cleaning poetry slam

Ahhh yes, Spring has arrived... though nothing has actually sprung yet. Geese are flocking back home and the calendar says its Spring but the earth still sleeps. I enjoy the change of seasons. *this is the part where you sit back, take a sip of your coffee or other warm beverage of choice, and reflect on the warm, sweet breezes and chirping birds of Spring* Ahhhh....

So my uterus finally did some shedding of the blood clots she has been holding onto so dearly. (That was gross. Sorry, I enjoy shock value tee hee) Now I get to have my uterus injected with dye (sarchastic "yay!") so my doctor can peer into it! Who knows what he'll find, but I picture bats flying around and cobwebs clinging to each dark corner of an empty cavern.

"ECHO!! ECHO! Echo! echo! echo ech ec e"

Maybe he can do a little dusting while he's in there... you know, a little Spring cleaning!

Though Spring is lovely, it is also the ultimate reminder (slap in the face, if you will) of the fact that I don't have children or am not "of child" (that phrase continues to crack me up). I mean, during Spring it seems as though EVERYONE and EVERYTHING is bloated and pregnant! How depressing.

I wrote a poem on this subject last year. I think I'll share it with you, whoever is reading this. A little background info: In my culture the Moon, who is considered our "grandmother", is responsible for the cycles of the women.

~Untouched~

Grandmother Moon

throws her shadows

down my cheek merging

glistening wet

Spring swells

I am

pelted

with Vernal images of

bloating streams of

Robin's tango of

mud's nourishment - Growth

prepared

Dorment I remain - A winter state

forced upon me

by fate - Branded

by chance - Unlucky

by mistake - Forgotten,

I have no choice

and She passes me by

like a deflated balloon...

...that's how I felt last Thursday morning when I came out of the gyno's office and walked to my car.

As I put my seatbelt on, little did I know that I was actually preparing myself for a ride in the ShittyDayMobile.

So I went and got the pregnancy test done in preparation for the hysterosalpin-thingy. I gave the shotglass of pee to the nurse and waited in that small room with the stirrup table. Dr. Jolly St. Nick comes in and he says, "ahhh... still spotting I see. Hmmm... well... I don't think I'm going to do the proceedure tomorrow if thats the case. I don't want to start anything we don't want... namely an infection." This doctor is cool. I enjoy his twisted sense of humor and his odd facial expressions. "Yeah.... we're gonna be shooting stuff up there and we dont want any other (funny facial expression) stuff being pushed into your body cavity... lets just say you won't wanna come back to us if that happened!" So... we put off the dreaded hystero-thingie for another couple of weeks. Arg!

I go to my car feeling like a deflated balloon. I JUST WANNA GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD! My uterus is NOT listening to me. She insists on spotting for 3 weeks straight now. Damn.

That was the first bump in the road for my Shitty Day ride. The next came with the news that my dad is not doing so well with his newly found cancer. He had a tumor removed from his bladder and the doctor thought it wasn't aggressive. Well, the biopsy indicated a level 3 tumor (I still don't know what that means) and that the bladder wasn't emptying all the way. On top of that, the bladder still had cancer cells in it... so they might have to remove it altogether. I'm very nervous about this... and of course I think about worst case scenerios. I then think about how my dad is waiting for another grandchild (my brother isn't having anymore... he got his junk tied) and ... what if he won't be able to see another one if this whole process is taking so long! I didn't cry though. I pushed those fears away and thought positively. Fuckin' A.

So then I go to work. I work with 3rd graders in an after school program. We play games in the gym, do crafts, etc. These 3rd graders are VERY difficult sometimes. Since I have the biggest group (12 kids) I have another woman helping me. This woman is no help whatsoever... and these kids don't listen! I get very stressed out some days.

We went to their classroom to pick them up and some were taking too long to get their stuff ready. I decided to stay with the stragglers while Miss Clueless brought the others to the cafeteria...or so I thought. Maybe it was lack of communication (then again, do I have to tell her everything!?!?!) but Miss Clueless went to the library and let the kids go to the cafeteria by themselves. I get to the cafeteria no more than 2 minutes later to see my boss peering out of her office at the group. The kids weren't misbehaving... they were getting the games out as usual.

Her boytoy Jim (who doesn't seem to have a purpose there but to follow my MARRIED boss around with ga ga eyes) comes out of the office and says, "Ummm.. Sadie... can I talk to you for a minute?" He sounded concerned and my blood started to boil. He's not my boss. He proceeded to tell me that under no circumstances were the kids allowed to be unattended in the cafeteria. (Even though my boss' office is located IN the cafeteria) "They can't be allowed to run off ahead of you." My jaw clenched. He then proceeded to tell me that I had to be more firm and "not so wishy washy" with kids. I didn't have the energy to explain what happened. "You gotta yell at them. You have to let them know who's boss or they'll run all over you." I was pissed. I walked away and Jim went back to my boss' office to do his usual chit chat / flirting shit. (He's got a girlfriend and daughters too!) So I got a talking to about how I don't know how to work with kids. Just great.

The last time I cried my eyes out to the point of not being able to breathe was when my grandma died last May. I cried this hard on the way home in the car.

You know what? Blow me!

you are invited to Sadie's Pity Party! Time: whenever. Date: right now. RSVP by commenting this blog.

WELCOME TO MY PITY PARTY!

I think I'll have some cheese with my Whine!

Grab a seat, have some cocktail weenies and listen to me rant... and oh yeah, gifts go on the table in the corner!

I can't stand hearing stories about shitty parenting. I can't stand listening to parents complain about their children. I can't stand people who don't pay attention to their children.

Anyone who is having a hard time conceiving has said this at one point or another: "We'd be great parents! Why do THEY get to be parents and we don't???? Its NOT FAIR!" ...and its not.

"THEY" are the people you see who are definitely NOT deserving of children. I know its not my place to judge others.... but ya know, some people just need to get fixed! They're all around me!

1. My husband's cousin, as is the case with a lot of native girls, had a baby just for the sake of having one. She is, to put it nicely, plus sized. Not that being a plus sized woman is wrong or un-attractive.... but his cousin - DEFINITELY NOT attractive and she is known for being a bitch. (Yes, there I go judging again. I'm sorry! Its true!) Not to be harsh (ok, maybe just a little) but she was determined to find any man who would be willing to fuck her just to get pregnant. She didn't care who he was as long as he could squirt out some baby batter. For some reason, she saw having a baby as a status thing. So she found a man, got knocked up, and dumped him.

She treats her daughter as an accessory... like a Gucci handbag or Prada sunglasses. She dresses her daughter in coordinating colors that match her own outfits. This baby has a wardrobe that could clothe all the children in China! The child gets WHATEVER she wants at the slightest whine. She is 3 years old now and is severly overweight. Nobody can even hold her because she is so heavy! (I'm thinking she is 50 lbs if I'm not mistaken) I know genetics are in the mix, but this cousin feeds her pizza and chips like theres no tomorrow!!! The child can't breathe at night and gets winded walking! Everyone in the family looks upon this cousin in disgust but won't say anything because she'll fly off the handle. Now the child is becoming a setback to her party life. At a party recently, she told everyone that she wanted gypsies to come and take her daughter away! The room fell silent. If you don't want to grow up, don't have a kid!!! Chorus: ITS NOT FAIR!

2. This is a sad situation. My sister-in law's husband left her (again). He left her with 3 kids (two toddlers and an infant) and NO hot water in the house. He had left her at least 3 times before (that I can count) and he always came slithering back. Nobody in the family knows why the hell she married him in the first place... he's such a loser. I hope this time she doesn't take him back. The family can help her out for now.... but I seriously don't know what she's gonna do. He blatently said he wasn't going to give her money for the kids (not that he had before... he drank all his money away). UGGGGG!! I can't stand people who care about themselves more than they care about their kids!!!!!! Chorus: ITS NOT FAIR!

3. The saddest thing I can think of is abortion. (And no, I'm not a bible thumper...not everyone against abortions is). Ok, let me clarify that since the subject is broad. I can't stand people who use abortion as birth control! My ex-boyfriend's sister came home one night crying her eyes out. The only person she'd talk to was her brother. I overheard the conversation. Apparently she had just had an abortion. She said she wasn't ready to have kids ... she didn't want kids... her social life would have been ruined, etc. etc. In the end, her brother convinced her that it was the right thing to do and that if it happened again he'd help her get another abortion ...if she needed. Needless to say, he's not my ex for no reason! I felt so sad that night. I remembered my mom telling me how she had to wait 5 years for a baby to adopt, "because thats when the pill and abortions first came around... there were no babies!" Why do people automatically think abortion and not adoption when they have an unwanted pregnancy??? There are soooo many waiting couples out there! Chorus: ITS NOT FAIR!

I could go on and on - especially when describing what I saw in Walmart the other day.... but the party is over *sigh* Everyone go home now.

col. Mustard killed Aunt Flo in the library with the turkey baster

I'm going to start off this blog by saying,

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCC

CCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ahh... there. Thats better. A little primal scream never hurt anybody, right? Ok, maybe I'm over reacting... but this period thing is not behaving WHATSOEVER! You'd think that a person who rarely sees her ol' red-headed Aunt Flo would be happy at the sight of her. Ususally when I get my period, I'm happy that my biological parts are still working! Until I saw a doctor, I was always afraid that they'd never come back.

Have you ever found yourself talking to your uturus, perhaps cheering it on, when you finally get a period? "Good job old gal! You're doing great! Keep it up! Rah Rah Rah!!!"

My roller coaster ride, thus far, in a nutshell:

1. October - Dr. tells me to wait until the end of my next period to schedule a hysterosalpingogram. (I'm getting good at spelling that!)

2. I get my period a few months ago (which is very elusive, mind you!) and try to schedule an appointment... Miss Bird Brain receptionist at the Dr's office informs me that the nurse who normally schedules those appointments is not in for another 2 weeks. She doesn't know how to do it... but she'll talk to the doctor about it. ..... she never gets back to me. For some reason I say to myself, "fuck it!" and don't call back.

3. I wait and wait for another period... doesn't happen. I call the Dr. and they tell me I can just have a pregnancy test done to make sure I'm not pregnant (Ha! Thats funny). THEN they scheduled a hystero-thingie for the following Friday.

4. So I've been psyching myself out for months thinking about this proceedure...don't know what to expect...and the appointment finally comes up. BUT...the doctor gets the flu and can't perform it. They re-schedule for March 8th. (Yeah... we're in March now!)

5. So here it is, March 4th, four days before the test.... AND I GET MY PERIOD! They can't perform the test if I'm having my period... so yes... I have to re-schedule, yet again!!!!! ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!

I never thought I'd be frustrated about NOT being able to shove dye up into my uterus with, what I think of the instrument as, a turkey baster.