divine intervention?

November 12, 2007

Ok- there is no period yet... but there IS news. Very interesting news I must say! I go to traditional ceremonies on the "Rez" and last Thursday was the one where children are honored. During this ceremony childrean get their Indian names and everyone dances. During one of the dances I said a little prayer...or maybe it was just thoughts in general towards the Creator. In my thoughts, as I watched mothers dancing with their children, I expressed a need for my own child. I danced and wondered when I'd get the chance to bring a baby to get her/his name. Someone once told me that even before children are born they pick who they want their parents to be. I wondered why we hadn't been chosen yet. "We'd make awesome parents, why haven't we been picked yet???"

I noticed my very young (biological) cousin with her baby girl. My uncle had been holding her while he danced. I have to admit, I was VERY jealous! Here was a teenage girl with a baby of her own -how could she possibly take care of it! She's still in high school! I wanted to say, "I'm family... give her to me!!!" I wasn't happy for her out of my own jealousy and I felt bad for feeling that way. Complete judgment swept through me. Once, I saw her at a family funtion. She was almost standing right in front of me, holding her baby... almost as if she were dying for me to jump up and say, "OH My God!!! Let me see her!!!!" ... But I didn't. I ignored her because I was too tired of pretending to be happy for, yet another, new mom.

I felt bad for doing that - I couldn't help it though.

... On with the news:

So, during the ceremony I was thinking of my jealousy and I made it disappear. I pushed it away and waved at my cousin when she was holding her baby. I gave her a smile and commented on how she was cute. I felt better... but MY arms were still empty. I said another prayer. As I was sitting there Becca, the woman from my nation whom I had been talking to about adoption, came up to me. She wondered if we ever got a home study done, which we haven't. "Well", she said, "Don't get your hopes up just yet, but..." Immedietly my brain screamed out "OH MY GOD!!!!!" "...there might be a baby for you guys. Not from this nation, but from another..." I was totally freaking out on the inside: "Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit". On the outside: "Oh. Really?" Becca continued, "But again, don't get your hopes up yet. Its just a possiblity." On the inside: "Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit" On the Outside: "Oh, Ok. Sounds interesting. Keep me posted. How old would this baby be?" "It would be a newborn because it hasn't been born yet." I had a ZILLION questions but I held back.
Holy Shit.