option adoption

May 10, 2007

So sorry... sometimes I find myself writing when I'm depressed about something. Today is slightly better.

Well...been looking into adoption.

We've been toying with the idea for a couple years now. I've been a little more enthusiastic about it lately though - more so than Ethan. Now he's wondering if he really wants kids at this point... he's backing out?! I've been calling and e-mailing people for over a year now and suddenly he doesn't want kids now? I think maybe its scary for him. He says he doesn't want to "share" me. As sweet as it sounds... I was still thinking, "WHAT?!!?!?" I kind of got sad. I wish he would discuss his feelings... his real feelings about this. I feel like this journey is all mine and not "ours" sometimes. I wish Ethan viewed feelings... *thinking*... I wish Ethan would value feelings as much as he valued actions. This is a big thing that should be discussed! Trying to talk to him about it is like pulling teeth sometimes. I'm so afraid to tell him another possible avenue, or option, or etc. etc. I think the process of making a family is scary to him.

... and it is.